


Glycerine

by JennaLee



Series: Memories [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2020-12-27 00:35:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21109778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaLee/pseuds/JennaLee
Summary: “Who are you? I don’t think I know you.” Dan blinked confusedly and looked around. Something like fear had come over his face.He’s not joking.“You - you must be confused. Dan, they did brain surgery on you, they must’ve - something must have gotten messed up in there, or…it can’t be permanent. Just - try to rest. I’ll call a nurse.” But Arin couldn’t make his legs move. They just stared at each other.“Dan,” he repeated, mystified. “Is that my name?”





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nomoreflannel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomoreflannel/gifts).

> This work is a commissioned fic! Contact me at j-lyn on Tumblr for more information about commissions.

Arin heard sirens as he drove to his meeting in downtown Burbank, but thought nothing of it. For once, Dan was the last thing on his mind. 

Brent had backed out of the meeting at the last moment, too sick with some stomach bug to leave his bathroom for more than five minutes, and it was up to Arin to handle things by himself without Brent’s notes or template of minutes for the meeting. For the next four hours Arin thought of nothing but corporate finances and long term career plans. His phone was turned off and tucked into the pocket of his chinos.

By the time the meeting was over, Arin was so tired and hungry that he forgot to turn his phone back on until he got home.

His first inkling that something wasn’t quite right was when he pulled into his driveway and saw that Suzy’s car wasn’t there. She’d said that she’d be home by five and it wasn’t like her to be late. Still, Arin wasn’t worried. Probably something had come up at work. He changed out of his nice blazer and new chinos and pulled on something comfortable before coming back downstairs to turn on his phone to see the message Suzy had surely sent him. It was only then that he noticed the thirteen missed calls. As he scrolled down the list, Arin started to taste fear.

Six of the calls were from Suzy, four from Ross. Two were from Brian. _Is the fucking office on fire?_ Arin wondered, and then he saw that at the very bottom of the list - the first missed call - was from Debbie Avidan.

Dan’s mother.

Ice crawled up Arin’s throat. 

Dan’s parents had never called him before. They lived thousands of miles away. Why would Dan’s mom be calling Arin?

_It’s probably nothing, don’t panic, it’s not like anything serious could have happened - you saw Dan this morning, he’s fine, everything’s fine - _

Arin’s phone rang in his hand and he nearly dropped it in surprise. He glanced at the name on the screen and picked up the call.

“Ross?” he asked before he could speak. “Ross, what’s going on?”

There was an odd pause. “Are you driving?”

“No. I just got home. I literally just turned on my phone - what’s happening? Everyone’s been calling me.”

Another pause, longer than the first. Arin’s stomach sank down to his toes before Ross even spoke.

“It’s Dan,” Ross finally said. His voice cracked. “There - there was an accident.”

“Oh, God.” Arin swallowed. “How bad is it?”

“I don’t know.” Ross sounded a little bit desperate. “We’re waiting to find out. He’s not - I haven’t seen him. They’re bringing him out of surgery - now, I think. I don’t know. I don’t know. Arin, can you just get here? Please?”

“Where are you?”

“Providence Saint Joseph. Intensive care unit. It’s -”

“I know where it is. I’m coming.” Arin was already out the door, hunger forgotten. 

**

Arin would later be unable to remember what happened between talking to Ross and getting to the hospital. He’d barely been able to drive with his stomach tied up in a knot and his heart somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. The whole way there, all he could think about was that this was some sort of joke. They had the wrong person, that was all. It was someone else who had been in that car. Someone else, he didn’t care who, and maybe that was selfish but it couldn’t be Dan. The universe wouldn’t let that happen. This was all a big mistake.

He paid for visitor parking and made his way to the ICU, following the signs posted in the hallways. Everything felt surreal. Arin walked up to the nurses’ desk, wondering if he was going to wake up suddenly to find that this was all a dream.

Everyone seemed busy, but eventually a nurse took notice of him and asked who he was there to see. 

“Dan,” Arin started, and then shook his head. “I mean, Leigh. Leigh Avidan.” The name felt strange on his tongue. 

Her smile was sympathetic. “We only allow two visitors at a time, and we have two people booked in right now. There’s a waiting area just to my left, if you’d like. Make sure to disinfect your hands. Cell phone use is not allowed, nor are flowers.”

“Right,” Arin said. “Thanks.”

He stumbled toward the waiting area she had gestured to. The sense of dread had gotten worse, but Arin still didn’t believe that this could be happening. It wasn’t until he saw Brian, sitting with his head in his hands, that the truth was driven home.

Arin said, “Brian”, just his name, and Brian’s head jerked up. His eyes were bloodshot but dry. Even so, the anguish on his face made something in Arin crumple, and his vision blurred as the tears started to flow. Brian stood up on shaky legs and hugged him.

“Fuck,” Brian said into Arin’s ear. “This is a fucking mess, Arin.”

“How is he? What happened? Ross said - he was in a car accident - but he didn’t say - how bad is it, Brian?”

“He’s stable,” Brian said, releasing Arin and staggering back to his chair. “The nurse spoke to us just before you got here. They said his vitals are good. He - he was wearing his seatbelt, thankfully, but his car rolled.”

“Jesus Christ.” Arin sat before his knees could give out and breathed in deeply. Brian passed him a water bottle. “Drink,” he said, and Arin did.

When Arin could speak, he said “How?”

“There was another accident in front of him when he was driving. I guess he didn’t have time to react. He must have slammed on the brakes and tried to turn too fast. He went off the road, and the slope - his car couldn’t handle it. It rolled over twice and they found him inside, unconscious.” Brian swallowed. “There’s this type of injury that can happen. It’s called a contrecoup brain injury. It’s when you decelerate very quickly and your brain hits the inside of your own skull.”

Arin was having difficulty breathing. “He has a brain injury,” he repeated thickly. “And - and that’s worse than a concussion?”

Brian’s jaw clenched as he nodded. “Arin, he’s in a coma. They had to rush him into surgery.”

“Brain surgery.” Arin squeezed his hands into fists to keep from crying. “You mean brain surgery.”

Brian nodded.

“Christ,” Arin breathed, and he had to put his head down between his knees as a sudden wave of dizziness overtook him. “Who’s in there now? Ross and Suzy?”

He nodded again. “They got here first. Ross was with Suzy at the office when she got the call. I guess the hospital called Dan’s mom, and she called the office right away looking for you.”

“I was in a meeting.” Arin felt guilty, even though he couldn’t possibly have known something like this was going to happen. “I had my phone turned off. Fuck, Dan’s parents must be freaking out.”

“So are Ross and Suzy.” Brian’s fingers were shaking as he picked at the label on his water bottle compulsively. “Arin, I might be - I might be losing it a little, too.”

Arin didn’t like seeing the cracks in Brian’s normally calm façade. It made him feel like he was unravelling. And if he lost his own composure there would be no regaining it. “Did you see him already?” 

Brian shook his head. “I told Suzy I was going to stay out here to wait for you, but the truth is, I was too scared. I don’t know how bad he looks and I’m not prepared to see him in such rough shape.”

Arin had never supposed Brian could be scared of anything. Brian was the rational one. The most practical of them all. But he’d also known Danny longer than any of them, too. “What else did the nurse say?”

“Not much. They’re not supposed to give information to anyone but family. Dan’s mom told Suzy that his other injuries are minor in comparison. He almost definitely strained his neck but he can’t tell anyone how much pain there is, so they don’t know the extent of it. Soft tissue damage like that doesn’t show up on an X-ray.”

“Whiplash.” That wasn’t bad. That could hurt, but it also healed on its own. “That - could have been worse.” _He could have broken his fucking neck, jesus._

“If he wakes up, they can get a more accurate picture of how bad the damage is.”

“If?” Arin’s voice rose an octave. “Brian, you mean when. Not if. Don‘t say - ”

Brian’s fingers clenched around his water bottle. The plastic crunch grated on Arin’s ears.

“He’s stable, you said.” Arin was grasping. “He’s stable and he’s not going to - to - go anywhere. Right? He just has to recover. It just takes time, that’s all.”

Brian wouldn’t meet his eyes. “There was swelling in his brain, Arin. Bleeding and swelling.”

“But he won’t - he _can’t_ \- there’s no way, there’s not - ” Arin cut himself off and clamped down on his mounting hysteria. He had to be strong for the others. He had to be strong for Brian, because Brian was scared too. Freaking out wouldn’t help anything. Arin took a breath and said, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know how you feel.” 

They sat in silence together. Arin kept sipping his water, trying not to think about what his life would be without Dan in it. Dan was so much more than a coworker, so much more than a friend. He was a ray of sunshine, one of the hardest working people Arin had ever met, and probably one of the sweetest, most caring people on the planet. Arin would not be the person he was today without him. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Dan. 

The seconds ticked by, minutes passing like hours. Brian and Arin looked up whenever they heard footsteps. Nurses padded softly to and fro, making their rounds, but their muted conversation didn’t reach Arin’s ears. Other visitors came and went, some looking normal, others looking like the walking dead with black holes where their eyes should’ve been. The sense of dread and hopelessness grew stronger and stronger until Arin wanted to scream.

But finally he caught the sound of Suzy’s voice. Arin’s head jerked up and he saw Ross and Suzy coming down the corridor. Suzy’s face was pale and puffy and she had clearly been crying. She was clutching onto Ross’s hand. Ross looked miserable and lost, his face like a little boy’s. When they saw Arin Suzy said, “Thank God.”

“Suze,” was all Arin said, and she half-ran to him. He hugged her against his chest. “How is he?”

“Still stable, they said,” Suzy’s voice was muffled. “But oh, Arin, they don’t know how bad it is yet. They won’t know until he wakes up.”

Arin glanced over as Ross sat beside Brian. “They don’t know when that will be,” Ross said in response to Arin’s silent question. Arin was surprised to hear how small his voice was. “It could be - really bad. Like muscle paralysis and balance problems or worse. They don’t know. We don’t know anything.”

_Jesus fucking Christ._ “I want to see him,” Arin said. 

“Me too.” Brian stood. Arin was glad to see that he was steady. “Will you guys be okay out here for a bit?”

Suzy took Brian’s vacated seat. “We’ll be fine,” she said tiredly. Ross leaned against her and she squeezed his arm. “He’s in room 462. Just turn left at the end of the hall.”

“Thanks, Suze.” Arin bent to kiss her on the forehead, and followed Brian down to Dan’s hospital room.

The door was slightly open. Brian looked okay as he approached, but then stopped dead, like he’d forgotten how to move his legs. Arin steeled himself and sidled by, pushing the door open, and Brian followed him into the room.

Arin had been terrified that Dan would look awful, bloodied and bruised and barely recognizable. To his relief, Dan didn’t look that bad. Not on the outside, at least. He had a tube in his nose and a dark bruise peeking out from the loose neck of his hospital gown, which Arin took to be from the impact of his body against the seatbelt, but his face was peaceful. One eye was swollen, and on that side of his face Arin thought his forehead looked swollen too. His hair was a tangled mess, parted oddly, and a section of his hair had been shaved above his ear. Arin looked at the sutured gash and realized that was where they had gone in to perform the brain surgery. That was why Dan’s face was swollen. 

“Oh, fuck, Dan,” Arin murmured helplessly, and sank into the chair at Dan’s bedside. “What the fuck, Danny. Why did it have to be you? Of all the fucking people in the world…”

Brian sat on the other side of Dan’s bed, looking closer to tears than Arin had ever seen him. He didn’t say a word. He just stared at Dan’s scar like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Arin had to say something. Brian’s face was too awful to look at. Arin couldn’t let hopelessness take over, no matter how grim things seemed. But he didn’t know what to do. What could they do, but wait? Dan’s hands were lying limp at his side. His right hand had an IV taped to it, but Arin picked up his left hand and held it. Dan’s skin felt cool and dry. 

“People who are in comas sometimes remember stuff, yeah?” Arin asked Brian. “They can sometimes tell what’s going on. How does that work?”

“I’m a physicist, not a fucking neurologist,” Brian snapped. Before Arin could respond he winced and slumped further in the chair, deflating. “I’m sorry, Arin, that was uncalled for.”

Arin nodded. “It’s fine, dude, I get it.”

“Everyone’s been asking me about comas as if I’m an expert. And I’m not. I know very little about medical science.” Brian rubbed a hand across his mouth. “I wish I had the answers. But I don’t. Nobody does, I think. Even the medical world is in the dark about how the brain recovers itself from a coma state. From what I understand, it progresses in stages. It’s not just, boom, he’s awake.”

Arin nodded. Even when Brian prefaced his statements with explaining how little he knew, there was something reassuring about his professor-like way of speaking. “He’s breathing on his own,” he said. “That’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

“I guess so,” Brian said tiredly. “Arin, I told you, I don’t know.”

“Yeah, alright.” Arin squeezed Dan’s hand and stared at his face, wondering if he was dreaming, or if he was just out like a light. How long Dan had suffered before blacking out? Did he have time to be afraid? To feel pain? Arin didn’t know. Couldn’t know. None of them could know.

Arin had seen Dan just this morning, but it suddenly felt like a year ago. _Did I even say anything to him? I saw him at his desk. I just walked right by, didn’t I? I didn‘t tell him how much he means to me. I didn’t tell him that I love him. _

When was the last time Arin had told him that, anyway? He couldn’t even remember.

“I’ll stay here with him,” Arin said, and it came out like a croak. “I don’t care how long it takes. I’m going to stay here.”

“Arin, it might be a long time. Days. Weeks.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want him to be alone.”

“His parents are coming,” Brian said. “You have to take care of yourself, too. You need to take care of Suzy.”

“I will. But I’ll be here every day. Until he wakes up.” Arin firmly refused to believe that wasn’t an eventuality. 

Brian nodded. They sat in silence for a few long minutes. Eventually he said, “Ross and Suzy are waiting for us.”

Arin didn’t want to leave Dan’s side. But Suzy was out there waiting, tears drying on her face. “I know.”

“The nurses are checking on him every hour. They’ll let us know right away if anything changes.” Brian stood. Arin was alarmed to see his legs shake. “I think we should tell the office, let everyone know what happened.”

“Later. Right now, I can’t - ”

“It’s okay, Arin. We’ll get there, okay?”

Arin stared at Dan’s face. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want to leave Dan here. Dan hated hospitals. 

“If you need a few more minutes, I’ll go out and let them know,” Brian said.

“Thank you,” Arin whispered. “I’ll come out soon. Promise.”

Brian squeezed Arin’s shoulder on the way out, and then Arin was alone with Dan.

“Fuck,” he whispered into the silence. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did it have to be you? This isn’t fair, man. This is bullshit. You have to wake up soon, okay? I don’t know what I’m going to do if you don’t - ” He cut himself off. _Don’t say it._ “You’re going to be okay,” he said instead. “I know you are. The nurses here are great. You’re being taken care of. And you don’t have to do it alone. I’m going to be here when you wake up, okay?”

Dan’s chest rose and fell steadily. A tendril of his hair fluttered softly as he breathed. Arin reached over to brush it aside, as though it made a difference. His eyes didn’t move behind his closed lids. 

It was harder than he would have thought to let go of Dan’s hand and rise to his feet.

“I’ll come back,” Arin told him. “Everything’s going to be okay, Dan. I love you.” He hesitated. “I wish I’d told you,” he started, but even with Dan unconscious, the words would not come out of Arin’s mouth. 

_One day,_ he told himself as he had a million times before. But suddenly their time together didn’t seem so infinite. What if _one day_ never came at all?


	2. Chapter Two

The next few days were torture.

Arin had trouble sleeping. He often forgot to eat. He tried to go to work to distract himself, but being at the office was no comfort. Without Dan, the whole building seemed grim and bleak. Arin saw Dan’s absence on the face of every employee, felt the lack of his bright presence in every room. 

It reminded Arin of all the things he could have said, should have said, and didn’t say. Of all the chances he had. And every time he closed his eyes he saw Dan in his hospital bed and remembered all over again that even the best doctors didn’t fully know what was happening inside his head. The specialists at the neurology center had held a meeting about him

Telling their team had been difficult. More than a few people had cried. Arin, being the boss, had to be strong, even though at this point he felt like he was barely holding it together. The whole office was quiet and sombre. 

_Like a funeral_, Arin thought, and then hated himself for the letting that cross his mind.

After his third or fourth attempt to get something done, Arin gave up and decided to just check his emails once in a while, leaving Brent in charge of everything else in the meantime. Brent was saddened by Dan’s accident too, but he was still able to function. Arin envied him that.

And so, with his business in capable hands, Arin ended up spending most of his time at Dan’s bedside, as he promised. Soon he knew his way around the labyrinthine halls of the large hospital as if it were his second home. Flowers weren’t allowed in the ICU but Arin brought other things he thought might cheer up the bleak room. He brought the dinosaurs from the Power Hour set and some of the pictures Dan kept at his desk, in case Dan woke up when Arin wasn’t there. Arin hoped that Dan wouldn’t be alone when that happened, but if he was, at least he might not feel so afraid. 

Of course Dan had other visitors. Dozens of them. They came with gifts, asked after Dan’s progress, stayed and talked with each other, and left. But Arin, clinging to his hope that some part of Dan wasn’t completely unaware, stayed for hours at a time. When he grew exhausted of talking, Arin would pull out his iPad and watch all of Dan’s favourite Grump episodes just to hear Dan’s voice. 

Sometimes Brian would come by and sit at Dan’s side too. Brian didn’t say much, but he listened, and he was there to hold Dan’s hand when Suzy came to drag Arin off to eat or sleep or get fresh air. The two of them kept each other from losing their optimism entirely.

Maybe the others thought Arin was being overbearing. And his devotion was certainly causing a stir in the office. If ever it had been a secret, it probably wasn’t anymore. 

Arin didn’t care.

At the end of the first week, Arin got to the hospital at nine after miraculously catching a few hours of sleep at home. He headed straight to the elevators and up to the fourth floor to Dan’s room. 

“Hey, Dan,” Arin greeted softly, crossing to the bed and leaning over the rails. “It’s me again.” Some of Dan’s hair had fallen in his face. Arin smoothed it away. “Your mom told me that a specialist came in this morning. That they were trying a new kind of drug to help wake you up.” He gazed at the IV bag hanging beside the bed. “I don’t know what it is, but I hope it works.”

Dan’s eye seemed a little less swollen today, and the shaved patch on his scalp had begun to grow a shadow. Arin studied Dan’s face, searching for any changes or signs of life - or signs that he was getting worse. Dan looked unusually pale, but maybe that was just the contrast of his dark beard growing in. Otherwise, if Arin ignored all the tubes and wires and machines surrounding him, Dan could have been asleep.

“I hope you wake up soon,” Arin said like he did every time he came. “Everyone misses you so much. It hasn’t even been that long, has it? Seven days. It feels like so much longer. Even longer than the last time you went on tour with Brian and the TWRP guys. It’s different when I can’t even call you and hear your voice. I can’t wait until you’re back. You gotta come back, Dan. It‘s not the same without you. I’m not the same without you. I don’t know what to do with myself when I know you’re stuck here.”

Arin trailed off, trying to swallow back his loneliness and say something positive. He couldn’t think of anything, so he said, “Hey, so I found some cool Grumps compilations made by fans. I couldn’t think of any other movies to bring this time.”

Arin rested his iPad on the edge of the guard rail on Dan’s bed and made sure the volume was respectfully quiet, but still clear and audible. Soon he find himself smiling at their jokes and banter. But the sound of Dan’s laughter, pure and bright, began to make Arin’s heart ache, and he closed his eyes and reached for Dan’s hand. 

As he laid his hand down on Dan’s bony knuckles, they twitched and flexed.

Arin sat bolt upright. The iPad teetered and started to fall. Arin caught it by the tips of his fingers, flung it aside and said, “Dan?”

Silence. Arin’s breathing was loud in his ears. Dan’s face was no different. His hand was limp again. Arin stared at it with wide eyes.

_Did I imagine that?_

“Dan,” he said again, almost pleadingly. “Please tell me I’m not going crazy. I felt you move. I did, I swear. Dan, please? We need you to wake up. I need you.” 

Arin stood and bent down over Dan’s prone body to clasp his hand between both of his own. Watching Dan’s face, Arin squeezed. And then, unmistakably, Dan’s hand flexed weakly. A shadow moved on his face and Arin thought he saw his eyelids flicker.

“Dan,” Arin managed to say without crying in relief. “Oh thank God.” Arin wanted to run and get one of the nurses, but he didn’t want to miss it when Dan woke. He searched for a call button and found one on the opposite side of the bed. Within two minutes a nurse knocked softly before pushing the door open.

Arin pounced before she could speak. “He moved his hand,” he told her breathlessly. “Twice now. The second time I think he felt me touch him. And his eyelids moved.”

“Did they?” She smiled. “Let me have a look and see how he’s doing.”

Arin watched her gently open Dan’s eyelids and shine a light into his eyes one at a time. She checked the various machines Dan was hooked up to. Finally, she touched Dan’s hand as Arin had. He didn’t move, but when she said, “Can you squeeze my hand?” a muscle in his arm jumped. 

“Did you see that?” Arin asked excitedly. “Did you see his arm?”

The nurse smiled again. “I did. We’ll keep monitoring him and we’ll get the specialist in here to do another check.”

“How long until he wakes up for good?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know,” she said, not unkindly. “It’s different for everybody. Some coma patients spend a long time in a semi-responsive state. They may respond to stimuli or even open their eyes, but they’re not truly conscious. All we can do is monitor the activity in a patient’s brain and track changes.”

“Even so,” Arin said, refusing to be deterred. After a week of nothing, any change felt like a miracle. “It’s progress, right?”

“It’s a good sign,” she agreed as she checked the scar on Dan’s scalp. As she turned his chin slightly to get a better look, Dan’s eyebrows scrunched faintly, as if irritated by the disturbance.

_He felt that._ Arin wondered if it hurt him to be moved. Just in case, he put his own hand on Dan’s arm to reassure him and said, “She’s here to help you, Dan. It’s okay. She’s just checking out your gnarly surgery scar.”

Dan’s face was still again. The nurse was writing on her clipboard. She saw Arin’s wildly hopeful face and said, “The specialist will be here after six o’clock, if you plan on coming back. He may be able to give you a more accurate prognosis, especially if Dan continues to respond to verbal commands. If he does become verbal, the specialist will help determine the extent of any memory issues or muscle or speech impairment, and get him on the right track to further recovery.”

“Thank you,” Arin said gratefully. “Thank you so much.”

That got him another smile. “We’ll call his emergency contact with any updates on his condition. If you’re still here, the specialist might ask you to leave temporarily, but you can come back as soon as he’s done.”

Arin nodded. “Sure, okay.” He didn’t like that, but he understood. 

After she left, Arin couldn’t tear himself away. Cell phones weren’t allowed in the ICU unless they were turned off and put away. If he wanted to call the others to tell them that Dan seemed to be coming closer to waking up, he would have to go down to the main floor cafeteria. Brian was aching for news, and the others would no doubt be just as excited - and yet -

_He heard the nurse’s voice. He felt her touch. He can feel mine, too._

Arin gazed at Dan’s face. “Hey,” he said softly. “Hey, Dan, I’m still here. Are you in there? Can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?”

He waited a beat and got nothing. Arin leaned in closer and dared to touch his face, wondering if that might break through to him. He laid his hand along the curve of Dan’s jaw, trying not to think about how intimate the gesture seemed. Dan didn’t move again, but that didn’t quash Arin’s hopes. He moved his hand back to Dan’s side and slid his own hand beneath Dan’s.

Eventually, Arin’s back started to ache. It was incredibly uncomfortable to sit in a chair for hours on end, day after day, especially leaning down like this to be close to Dan. 

“When you wake up, I’ll take you to Hawaii,” Arin told the sleeping figure. “As soon as the doctors say you’re good enough to travel. Just me and you if you want, or whoever else you want to bring. I’ll pay for them all. We’ll go back to that same resort you liked so much. Remember when we woke up early, because everyone else had been drinking, and we just walked on the beach for two hours with nobody else in sight? We can do that again. Remember how we saw all those stingrays by the shore? And how much you loved the sea turtles? When we had to go home, you told me that you wished we could have stayed for a month. Maybe this time we can.”

Arin leaned all the way over and rested his face on the pillow next to Dan’s cloud of hair. He wished that he could hug him, but he didn’t know how bad the bruising on Dan’s chest was, and Dan wasn’t able to tell him what hurt. He couldn’t tell Arin what he needed or what he wanted. 

“I miss you so fucking much,” Arin whispered. Amidst the cold clinical smells of the hospital, Dan’s hair smelled wonderfully familiar. “Please wake up soon. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.”

He could have fallen asleep there, stiff and achy as he was, but the sound of the door opening roused him. Another nurse came in. Arin recognized him as the usual night shift nurse with whom he was on good terms.

“Do you need me to go?” Arin asked, rising from his chair. They only kicked him out if Dan needed to be undressed and bathed or otherwise given personal care that required them to undress him.

The nurse was sympathetic. “I’m sorry, but yes. You can come back in half an hour.”

“No problem,” Arin lied, wincing as he rubbed the pins and needles from his legs. “Dan, I’ll see you soon.”

**

Arin had a Mountain Dew in the cafeteria as he typed out texts to Brian, Suzy, Ross, and Dan’s friend Adam who was staying in a hotel nearby. The first reply was from Brian, and it simply said _On my way_. Not twenty minutes later Arin saw him walking into the main lobby toward the elevator. He saw Arin, waved, and gestured him over. 

“Tell me everything,” he said, his blue eyes bright, and Arin did. 

A smile broke out over Brian’s tired face when Arin was done, and he even surprised Arin with a firm hug. Arin hugged him back, his grin spreading. 

He was glad to see Brian looking more like himself again. Dan’s accident had rocked him, but he’d been determined to stay positive. Arin thought that maybe Dan’s parents had rubbed off on him. Brian and Arin had been there near the beginning as the nurse talked to Dan’s mom about the various neurological issues associated with coma patients.

At the end of it all - all the talk of physical therapy, slurred speech, memory problems, headaches, and potential paralysis - Debbie had said, “All that matters is that he’s still here. No matter what, he’ll still be Dan. My boy can do anything, so he can get through this.”

Brian hadn’t said anything then, but something in his eyes had changed.

“If it was just once, I might think it was just a coincidence,” present-day Brian said, “but if he moved twice on command like that, it sounds like he’s at least going through the early stages of waking up. Do his parents know?”

“Yeah, his mom is the emergency contact. The hospital gives them daily updates, but I texted Debbie anyway.”

Brian nodded. “I’ll go up and see him. Are you heading out?” 

Arin hesitated. “I don’t know. I want to talk to Suzy, but I don’t want to miss anything here.”

“I’ll call you right away if something does happen.”

Arin was uncertain. “How long will you stay?”

“Long enough. I have to pick up Audrey at three.”

“But - ”

“Dan’s not going anywhere, okay? I love him too, Arin, but he’s not going to disappear if one of us isn’t right by his side.”

“He needs to know - ”

“ - that he’s not alone?” Brian finished. “He’ll know. He has so many cards that on his bedside table that we had to start stacking them in piles.”

“What if he’s in pain?”

“The nurses will help. He has a call button.”

“What if - ”

“Arin. Go home.” Brian’s voice was firm. “Go shower. Eat something. Sleep for a bit. You look like shit. You’ll want to be well-rested when he does wake up. You can’t be with him twenty-four seven. Someone is going to be checking in on him every hour at least. If not one of us, then a qualified nurse.”

“Yeah.” Arin breathed in deep. “Yeah, okay, you’re right. I’ll go home for a bit.”

“Good.” Brian moved as if to clap him on the back, but instead hugged him again. When they pulled apart, Arin felt some of the tension in his shoulders and jaw relax. 

“Whatever happens, we can do this,” Brian said. “Dan can do this.” 

He was telling himself as much as he was telling Arin.

“You’re right,” Arin said. “No matter what, if he wakes up, we’ll have him back. He’ll still be Dan. That’s good enough for me.”

**

Dan continued to make progress.

Brian told him that Dan had turned his head to the side, as if wanting to be more comfortable. Dan’s mother called two hours after that to tell Arin that the specialist had done an EEG to test Dan’s brain activity. They found that his brain was consistently responding to sounds and trying to activate his motor cortex when asked to move his arm or speak. Apparently that meant that Dan was definitely going to wake up, and probably soon.

Arin got home and whirled Suzy around the room in a laughing, breathless hug, then sent a mass text to their employees. They went to Brian’s house for dinner, and afterward the four of them - Arin and Suzy, and Brian and Rachel - all piled into Rachel’s car to head to the hospital. Ross and Adam came too, and the head nurse allowed them all in the room at once on the condition that they only stayed for half an hour and didn’t become too rowdy.

Dan occasionally turned his face toward the voice of whoever was speaking to him, and at one point he swallowed visibly. Arin had to bite his lip to keep from crying from sheer emotion. Everyone was in a good mood, and for once the grim and silent hospital room was as lively and cheerful as a party. 

When the half hour was up it was decided that they would go down to the café for coffee and snacks.

“You guys go,” Arin said. “I’ll stay here.”

He thought he caught a look of dawning realization on Adam’s face. Suzy kissed Arin’s cheek. The others hugged him and said their cheerful goodbyes to Dan. And they all let him be to resume his vigil.

Arin nudged the chair closer to Dan’s bed. “I’m still here,” he told Dan. This time, Dan didn’t try and turn his head to him. That didn’t bother Arin. He touched Dan’s shoulder lightly, a brief caress with the back of his hand. “You must be tired as fuck after moving around so much and doing all those tests. I’ll try not to bother you. Maybe we should both get some sleep, huh? But I’m here if you need me. I’m always here, no matter what.“

Arin left his hand next to Dan’s, leaned his head against the wall, and promptly fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Arin woke as suddenly as if he’d been shaken. He bolted upright, momentarily confused by his surroundings before remembering where he was. The small window was dark, but the room was still well-lit. It was never dark in the ICU. He didn’t know what woke him at first until he saw that Dan had drawn his hand up onto his own chest. His face was turned toward Arin. 

“Dan?” Arin leaned forward, holding his breath. “Danny?”

Dan’s eyelashes fluttered. His lips parted. Arin shot to his feet and bent toward him.

“Hey,“ Arin whispered. “Hey, hey, Danny. Please wake up.” _Please be okay, please don’t be in pain…_

Dan made a low, muffled sound, almost a groan. He swallowed once, twice. And then his eyes opened. Just a crack - but they opened. His gaze moved blearily around the room, seemingly not focusing on anything. 

Somehow Arin held it together and smiled at Dan. “Hi,” he managed to say without his voice cracking. “Welcome back.”

Dan shut his eyes again and grimaced. When he tried to wet his lips Arin noticed how pale and dry they were. 

“Do you need water?” 

Dan didn’t open his eyes but moved his head in what was unmistakeably a nod.

“I have some. Here. I got you.” Arin knew that Dan was being kept hydrated by his IV solution, but he grabbed his water bottle and carefully tilted it to let the water touch Dan’s mouth. He didn’t want to give Dan too much, in case he couldn’t swallow right, but Dan seemed grateful for the tiny sip that he managed to take. His head fell back against the pillow with a sigh. Arin felt a pang of disappointment, but reminded himself that this was good enough for now. He missed Dan like crazy but he had to be patient.

But then Dan’s eyes opened once again, and they weren’t glazed. This time, he looked straight at Arin.

Arin’s grin hurt his face. “Hey,” he said again. “There you are.”

Dan kept staring at him, his forehead creased in confusion. _He’s disoriented,_ Arin thought. _The nurses said he wouldn’t remember the crash._ Arin shuffled closer and reached down to squeeze Dan’s shoulder comfortingly. “You’re in the hospital. You were in a car accident,” he said. “It was bad, but you’re okay. Nothing’s broken at least. You just hit your head. Or your brain hit the inside of your head. Sounds scary, I know, but they fixed you up as best as they could. You’ve been in a coma for about a week. And we’ve been so worried about you.”

Dan’s muscles tensed under Arin’s hand. Arin quickly let go. “Sorry, did I hurt you?” He hadn’t thought Dan had any arm injuries, but maybe he had a sore spot from the crash.

Dan shook his head slowly. His frown deepened. “You…” he started, his voice rough. “You were in my room, weren’t you? You were talking to me for a long time. I heard you. It…it felt like a dream.”

“I’ve been here every day, Danny.” Arin felt a surge of hope. All the time he’d spent here had meant something. Dan knew he hadn’t faced this alone. “And I’ll be here as long as you need me, okay? Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“But - ” Dan hesitated, his eyes searching Arin’s face. “Who are you?”

Arin’s stomach dropped. “What?” 

“Who are you? I don’t think I know you.” Dan blinked confusedly and looked around. Something like fear had come over his face. 

_He’s not joking._ “You - you must be confused. Dan, they did brain surgery on you, they must’ve - something must have gotten messed up in there, or…it can’t be permanent. Just - try to rest. I’ll call a nurse.” But Arin couldn’t make his legs move. They just stared at each other. 

Finally, Dan spoke again.

“Dan,” he repeated, mystified. “Is that my name?”


	3. Chapter Three

“Memory issues are almost guaranteed with patients who experienced a coma caused by brain trauma,” the doctor from the neurology centre told a whey-faced Arin, who was standing with Suzy’s help outside the ICU. “Most people don’t remember anything that happened on the day of their accident when they wake up. And most of them never do. Sometimes, the memory loss is much more pronounced, however.”

Arin had already learned most of that from the ICU nurses and his own research. But this was beyond anything he’d been led to believe was possible. “He didn’t know his name,” Arin said hollowly. “He didn’t even know his name.”

“Yes.” The doctor didn’t try to sugarcoat it. “It appears that he is suffering from total autobiographical retrograde amnesia.”

Arin was too dazed to make sense of those words. Maybe he gaped at the doctor, because she clarified, “While he is unable to recall personal information or anything that happened to himself during his lifetime, he is still able to remember basic facts and the knowledge gained during experiences. He will be able to, say, operate a vehicle, but have no memory of himself doing so in the past.”

“Can this be permanent?” Suzy asked, because she knew Arin couldn’t.

“Yes,” the doctor admitted, “although there’s no way to know for sure what the outcome will be in this case. The study of brain plasticity and recovery is complicated and still not fully understood. I will say that this is an unusual situation. The most common form of amnesia only affects recent memories and the formation of new memories.”

Arin winced. He didn’t like a specialist calling something unusual. Unusual meant no answers. No frame of reference. “Have you seen anything like this before?” he asked hesitantly.

She nodded. “We’re one of the leading neurology centres in the country. I’ve personally seen, oh…three or four cases of patients with total amnesia, from various causes. In each case, the recovery was entirely different,” she added before one of them could ask. “I would hesitate to draw any parallels between them. One had a bullet through his head. Another had a lifetime of severe alcohol dependency. Another underwent a serious surgery to remove a tumor and woke up believing it was the spring of 1986, and remembered her parents but not her husband of twenty years. None had a contrecoup injury from a car accident, and each had very different recovery processes.”

“Recovery processes.” Arin seized on that phrase. “So there’s things you can try to help him. Treatments.”

“There are no specific treatments or medication. Most patients are referred to a psychotherapist and an occupational therapist to improve social functioning if necessary. Retrograde amnesia is usually resolved spontaneously.”

“Spontaneously,” Arin repeated, deflating. That was just another way of saying that they had no answers. 

“I’m sorry,” the specialist said, and to her credit she did look concerned for them. “The best thing you can do for him when he’s discharged from the hospital is to help him navigate his life to the best of his ability. This will be very disorienting for him.”

She left them with some pamphlets and contact information for a grief and trauma therapist. Arin stuffed them into his pocket. His head was ringing and his face felt flushed and warm.

“Arin, are you okay?” Suzy’s smooth pale hand touched his arm. 

“I don’t know.”

It was the truth. Arin felt odd, like his stomach was full of rocks, but - Dan seemed physically okay. Was that not enough? He said that his head hurt, and his neck hurt, but the nurse made him move each part of his body and there was no paralysis or weakness. He was speaking clearly. His brain wasn’t bleeding anymore. Once they gave him a stronger painkiller, he perked right up. The doctor said that he was lucky and Dan had smiled at her, his same charming grin. 

But when Dan’s parents came to visit him, Dan had looked to Arin, waiting for an introduction, and that had been like a kick in the stomach. Arin had murmured an excuse and left them alone. He wasn’t sure what had happened since then. It didn’t feel right to intrude on such an important family moment.

The hospital suddenly felt tight and airless. Arin looked at Suzy desperately and said, “I need to get out.”

She took his hand. “Okay. Where do you want to go?”

“Somewhere. Anywhere.”

“There’s a diner across the street. Sound good?”

“Yeah.”

They walked together. Arin felt funny. Off balance. Like he was walking through molasses. A woman looked at him oddly in the elevator and Arin realized that he was shaking.

“Better?” Suzy asked when they got outside.

“No,” Arin said. The shaking had abated, at least. “I don’t know.”

Suzy rubbed her tired eyes. “I’m going to have a coffee. I feel so exhausted.”

The diner was nearly empty. Suzy ordered a wrap with her coffee, but Arin just asked for water. He didn’t trust his stomach. 

Suzy took over phone duty, texting the others with the update on Dan’s situation. Arin sat and sipped his water slowly. He was grateful that Suzy was here. In his confused state he’d completely forgotten that there were dozens of people waiting anxiously for news. 

“What did Brian say?” Arin asked when he heard the first notification come back. 

“He wants us to call him. I asked him to wait.”

“I will when I can.”

“I know. That’s what I told him.” 

Arin nodded his thanks and chewed on his lip. Unthinking, his eyes drifted out the window and across the street. The cross and sign of Providence Saint Joseph towered above the trees, stark against the blinding sky.

Suzy finished typing and downed the rest of her coffee. She looked questioningly at Arin, and her eyes softened at what she saw on his face. 

“At least he’s not in much pain,” she comforted. “He already sat up and he’ll probably be walking soon. They said he can even try eating solid foods tonight. It could be so much worse.”

Arin tore his eyes away from the window. “But what do we do now? What will _he_ do? His whole life is just - gone.”

“We take things one step at a time. Once he’s able to get out of the hospital, we’ll try to help him, like the doctor said.” 

“But he must be so fucking scared. He doesn’t know us. He‘s totally alone, as far as he knows.” 

“Dan’s tough. You said so yourself.”

“Suze,” Arin’s voice cracked. “I had to tell him who his mom and dad were when they came to see him.”

She held his gaze. “I know,” she said softly. “Still. Dan knows he has people who care about him. He‘ll see the cards and realize how many friends he has.”

“All this time I thought that as long as I could be there for him, it would be okay. That all he had to do was wake up, and then I’d be there. But now - what can I possibly do? I can spend time with him but it doesn’t matter. I can tell him I’m his best friend, sure. But to him, I’m just some fucking guy. _He doesn’t know me._”

Suzy looked as helpless as Arin felt. “You were a stranger to him once. He liked you right away.”

She was only trying to help, but it felt like a slap. “I don’t want to start over. All our memories - all the things we did together - everything we’ve been through - ” Arin drew a sharp breath. “God, Suze, if they’re gone forever…I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“They’re not. Remember, the specialist said that a lot of people recover their memories spontaneously.”

“Most. She said most. Not all.”

“Don’t panic,” she soothed. “You can tell him. Share the stories. Show him the pictures. He lost his memory, but not his personality. He’ll want someone close to him, someone who can make sense of his life.”

“Maybe he won’t want me there.”

“Well, wouldn’t you want someone who could tell you where you worked, what kind of things you did? Someone to answer all the questions you’d have?”

Arin looked at her and gained the strength to put his fear into words. “Maybe he won’t like me anymore.”

“Of course he’ll like you. How could you think he wouldn’t?”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t like the idea of working with me?”

“Arin.” She caught his trembling hand and held it steady. 

“I’m being selfish,” Arin managed. “Aren’t I?”

“I don’t think you’re selfish,” she said softly, “but just remember, Arin, this is going to be hard on all of us.”

“You’re right.” Arin exhaled. This wasn’t about him. This was much, much bigger than him. And in the coming weeks he knew a lot of people would be depending on him to stay strong. “I should just be grateful that he’s alive. What‘s wrong with me?”

“I don’t think there’s an expected reaction to something like this. It’s not selfish to feel worried about how it’s going to affect your friendship. He’s a big part of your life. You care about him so much.” 

“Suzy,” he said, his mouth dry. “I love him.”

“I know, baby.” She’d always known. 

She let Arin rest his head on her shoulder. Eventually, Arin’s shock began to fade. After they paid for the food, Arin used the bathroom and straightened himself up as best as he could until he looked a little less like a pile of garbage and more like himself. At least he’d changed into clean clothes that morning. 

“You want to go back and see if he’s still awake?” Suzy asked when he came out. “Talk to him for a little while?”

“Yeah,” Arin said. “I have to. I have to make a good first impression, don’t I?” That sentence teetered on the brink between awful and hilarious, and Arin made himself laugh. It only sounded a little bit crazy.

Suzy didn’t let him spiral. She said, “You will, Arin. You always know the right thing to say.”

That was a vote of confidence that Arin didn’t think he deserved, but he appreciated the sentiment.

**

It was decided that Suzy would go into work and discuss the recent developments with Ross and Brian in person. No doubt everyone wanted to prepare before they came to see Dan.

From their shared text convo, Arin saw that nobody let themselves be daunted by the enormity of Dan’s amnesia. Instead they all jumped into action. Tucker and Jory and Allie immediately teamed up to make an online scrapbook of relevant memories of Dan’s time with the Grumps. Dan’s friend Adam offered to collect a similar scrapbook of memorabilia from their shared childhood. Brian, despite his insistence that he was a physicist, not a medical doctor, delved into research. There was so much love and positivity that Arin felt a little overwhelmed, and definitely inspired.

Arin remembered Dan’s mother saying _My boy can do anything_. And when Arin thought about it, he knew it was true. 

Dan seemed to be napping when Arin arrived, but he opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps. “Oh,” he said. “It’s you again. Hi.” 

“Hey.” Arin hesitated by the doorway, suddenly afraid all over again. Dan was looking at him with a curious and politely open expression. It was the face Dan wore when he met a friend of a friend, or somebody whom he knew of but didn’t actually know. “Is this a bad time? Are you tired?”

“Not really.” Dan awkwardly shrugged one shoulder. “I’m lying down because I’m supposed to be resting. And I’m not great at walking just yet. It’s, um, you’re Arin, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” Arin took a breath and tried not to let the situation overwhelm him. It was crazy to have to introduce himself to Dan. He started with something safe. “How are you doing?”

“Alright, I think.” Dan laughed, but Arin thought there wasn‘t much humour in it. “I don’t know. I’m scared, I guess, but - everyone’s being really helpful. The nurses here are super nice. And I met my parents.”

It was such a surreal thing to say that Arin laughed despite himself. “Yeah, I guess you did. Uh - how’d that go?”

“They’re nice too,” Dan said, a little wistfully. “I wish I could remember them. They didn’t seem to care that I didn’t, though. My mom hugged me. Did you know I have a sister, too? And I have two nephews and a niece. Isn’t that cool as fuck?”

Arin’s heart thumped. Dan was so _himself_, and yet he had no idea. “You’re pretty lucky as far as family goes. You’re all really close.”

“You’ve met them?”

“A few times. I’ve stayed at your parents’ place with you.”

“Did you? That makes sense. They told me a little bit about you.”

“Did they? What did they say?”

“That you’re my friend and my boss and also my bandmate.” Dan’s smile grew more genuine. “That’s pretty crazy. I’m looking forward to knowing how that happened.” Before Arin could think of how to begin that story, Dan said, “They also said a lot of other nice things.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. My mom thinks you walk on water. She said you’ve been keeping me company while I was out.”

Arin smiled. He liked Debbie and was glad the feeling was mutual. “You said you remembered me being here?”

“Kind of.” Dan closed his eyes and shifted. “It was…it was weird. It was sort of like…have you ever had a dream where you could sort of hear something that’s actually happening? And it feels so real, but you know you’re asleep, and you can’t really tell?”

“I don’t dream much,” Arin admitted. “It’s never happened to me.”

“Well, it’s all kind of hazy. I remember being scared. I knew something was wrong - it didn’t feel like normal sleep . But I kept thinking that somebody was holding my hand, and that made it better.” Dan looked at him, studying Arin’s face like he was trying to search for lost memories in his eyes. “It was you, wasn’t it?”

Arin’s face warmed. He nodded.

“Thanks.” Dan’s eyes crinkled up at the corners. “You must have been really worried about me.”

Knowing that he had helped made Arin feel twenty pounds lighter. “I was. I was afraid you’d never wake up. Or that you’d be in tons of pain or be paralyzed, or worse.”

Dan looked down at himself. “Well, I think everything’s working. Mostly.”

“Mostly?” Arin asked anxiously, half-rising from his chair. “What’s wrong? The doctor told us that you didn’t have any physical issues. Should I get a nurse?”

“No, no, I’m okay.” Dan reddened. “Um, I was going to make a joke about how they haven’t taken out my catheter yet, so I’m not sure if that - if, you know, that works - but - are we the kind of friends that can talk about dicks and have it not be weird? I mean, apparently you’re my boss, and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t talk about my dick to my boss.”

Arin burst out laughing then, his turmoil forgotten. Dan’s flush faded and he laughed too even if he didn’t get the joke.

“Dude,” Arin managed. “I have so much to tell you. I don’t even know where to start.”

Dan reflected on that. “How about telling me how we met?” he suggested. “And what kind of work we do together.”

“That second part might take a while.” 

“I’ve got time. I don’t have anywhere to be. Unless you do?”

Arin stared. “Like I’m just going to go run errands or some shit. What could possibly be more important than you?”

Dan flushed faintly. “Alright,” he said, clearly pleased. “Start from the beginning?”

“I’ll do my best.”

**

It took longer than Arin would have thought. Everything required further explanation. Dan had been told where he grew up and where he lived now, but he had absolutely no idea of anything in between. He had the idea of showing Dan’s Before the Grumps interview first, but even then Dan laughed at the opening and asked if that really was what his voice sounded like. 

“I haven’t heard my own voice,” he protested when Arin looked at him with amazement. “I’ve only seen my own face like, twice.”

That blew Arin’s mind all over again. “I didn’t even think about that.”

“Yeah. My dad gave me his phone so I could look at myself in the camera.”

Arin tried to imagine seeing his own face for the first time. “Holy shit,” he said, awed. He wondered what Dan had thought of what he saw on the screen. Of course he couldn’t have been too disappointed.

After that, Arin decided to show Dan a series of videos, mostly live-action stuff from their own channel so Dan could put faces to the voices. Dan’s politely attentive face immediately broke out into a smile that didn’t fade for hours. Watching him laugh all over again at Arin’s jokes and antics helped Arin relax and forget his fear that Dan might not like him. At some point Arin thought that Dan would probably get bored of watching these skits and commercials and Instagram videos, but after each one ended Dan eagerly asked for another. Ross made him laugh too, and so did Vernon, and Allie in the Power Hour, and soon he was bold enough to reach out and hit pause to ask Arin questions about everyone he saw.

The only time that Dan grew quiet was when they watched a Ninja Sex Party video for the first time. Arin was going to show _Take on Me_, since it was such a fan favourite, but decided that _Everybody Wants to Rule the World_ was less flashy and more - well, real. 

When it was over Dan reached out to stop the auto play. 

“Want another?” Arin asked, looking in the sidebar for something else.

“Maybe in a bit.” Dan’s voice sounded shaky. When Arin looked at him, his eyes were bright with tears.

Arin immediately set the laptop down on the table amongst the cards and turned his full attention to Dan. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Dan managed a shaky smile. “Just - wow. It just hit me - all the fans we have - all the work we’ve done - that I’ve done - ” He took a deep breath. “I’m going to be disappointing so many people if I can’t live up to this.”

Arin was startled. He hadn‘t met to overwhelm him or make him feel frightened. “Jesus, Danny, nobody is going to care. They’ll just be happy you’re still here.”

Dan looked at him. “You won’t be disappointed? This is like…your main source of income, isn’t it? The Grumps channel. And I’m half of it.”

“You think I’m worried about you making money for me?” Arin asked disbelievingly. “Fuck, you think that’s all you are to me? That I’m thinking about my own profit loss while you nearly died?”

Dan gave a tired shrug.

_He doesn’t know,_ Arin reminded himself. _You have to tell him. Show him._

“You’re my best friend before anything else,” Arin assured him. “I love you, okay? Everybody loves you. When our team heard that you were in a coma, they were all so horrified at the thought of losing you. We let the fans know that you're going to be taking some time to recover from an injury and all the comments are just full of people wishing for you to get better. You don’t have to worry about disappointing people, Danny.”

“What if I don’t remember how to sing? What if I can’t do Grumps anymore?”

“One, I’m sure your memories will come back.” Arin wasn’t, but that was beside the point. “Two, if they don’t, you’ll learn. What people love most about you on the show is your personality. The comedy stuff, the pacing and all the other shit that goes into it - that’s all stuff we both learned along the way. It just takes time. And you don’t have to do it alone.” 

“You’ll help me?”

“I’ll help you,” Arin promised. “I’ll show you everything as soon as you get out of here.”

Dan nodded, but Arin could still see the fear on his face. “When I get out,” he repeated. “I don’t know what I’ll do when I‘m discharged.”

“Home. To relax and get healthier and sleep in your own bed.”

“I don’t even know where I live, Arin.”

“Dude, I’ll show you.”

“And I don’t know how I’m going to get there. I’m not supposed to drive. I do have a car, right?”

“Yeah, but - wait, why can’t you drive?”

“Something about potential seizures.” When Dan saw Arin’s face, he quickly added, “It’s not like a huge risk. But you know, safety first.”

“I can drive you home. And wherever else you need to go. We’ll take a tour around Glendale together and I can help you get groceries and whatever else you need. When you need a ride just call me and I’ll come over. Or I’ll stay for a bit, if you’d let me.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Are you kidding? I’d do anything for you.”

Dan looked into Arin’s eyes, his cheeks flushing again. “Anything?”

“Short of killing someone, yeah.”

Dan’s eyes sparkled. He looked like he was about to say something else, and then changed his mind. “Do I live by myself?”

“Yeah. It’s a pretty nice place. In Glendale.”

“Are you there a lot?”

“You’ve been to my place a lot more,” Arin said. “But yeah. You generally like your privacy, but I come over when we both have time. I helped you move in.”

“So you can show me where everything is.”

“Think so. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Okay.” Dan relaxed against the pillow and blew a rogue curl out of his eyes. “That makes me feel a little better about this whole thing.”

“Good.” The piece of hair fell back across Dan’s face, and this time Arin smoothed it away as he’d done so often while Dan was unconscious. “Now we just need to focus on getting you out of this place.”

Dan made a face. “Definitely. They just want me to do a few more tests to make sure my brain isn’t bleeding any more, and they’re getting this physical therapist guy to do a few more exercises with me. And then I can come home.”

“They’ll get you walking around again?”

“That’s what they hope. I was able to take a few steps, but my balance feels really off. I was scared of falling. They told me to take it easy for a few weeks even at home.”

“I can help with that too. I won’t let you fall.”

Dan’s gaze flickered to Arin’s arms. “I believe it. You could probably pick me up and carry me with those guns, dude.”

Arin grinned. “I can and I have and I have the pictures to prove it.”

By the time Brian was able to come after putting Audrey to bed, they’d made it through a number of Grumps videos and a good fanmade recording of a Starbomb show. Dan had managed to eat a small plate of the hospital’s excuse for dinner. Dan didn’t complain, although he didn’t manage more than a bite of the sad roasted chicken and said that the mashed potatoes tasted like the boxed kind that was mixed with water. 

When Brian knocked at the door Dan looked at it curiously. “Come in?”

Brian’s face appeared as the door swung open. To Arin, he looked exceptionally frightened. But maybe that was only because Arin knew the man so well. Dan didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss. Instead he lit up like a Christmas tree and said excitedly, “You’re the guy - you’re in my band!”

“I’m the guy,” Brian confirmed, his face flushing with relief. “I’m Brian.” 

“I’m Dan, I think, except on paper it’s something different. But you already knew that.”

Arin snorted. Brian managed to smile. Dan brightened even more and motioned for Brian to sit in the free chair. Brian did, and for a while Dan’s face was turned away from Arin as he questioned Brian about NSP and asked for the story of how they met.

Arin, watching Dan’s animated face, suddenly felt a stab of doubt. Dan certainly hadn’t been this exuberant when he talked to Arin at first. _It doesn’t mean anything,_ he told himself firmly. _Only that Dan’s gotten more used to the idea of having amnesia. He’s just relaxed now that he knows more about his life._

Eventually Dan settled back down and looked to Arin. “Sorry. You must be getting bored.”

“Not at all, it’s fine.”

“Really? Aren’t you hungry at least?”

As if on cue, Arin’s stomach rumbled, and Dan giggled. “He didn’t want to share my hospital meal,” he explained to Brian. 

“I don’t blame him. I remember what they tried to feed Rachel when she had her surgery last year.” Brian looked to Arin. “I’ll hang out here if you want to go grab something,” he offered. 

Arin didn’t want to go, but he was getting pretty hungry. “Should I sneak something in for you, Dan?”

“Maybe. If you won’t get in trouble.”

“I’ll be stealthy. What are you craving?”

“Depends where you’re going.”

“Wendy’s, probably, but I could stop somewhere else...”

“Nah, that works.” Dan ruminated. “Will you get me a bacon cheeseburger?”

Arin winced. “Um, about that…”

Dan tilted his head. “Oh wait. I’m Jewish. I don’t eat bacon?”

“You don’t, but it’s not because you keep kosher. You have this digestive issue thing. You can’t eat red meat. Or chocolate. Or cheese.”

Dan looked horrified. “What the hell am I supposed to eat then?”

“I know all your favourites,” Arin assured him. “Don’t worry. I’ll bring you something good.”

“Okay. I think I can trust you.” Dan reached out and brushed his fingers against Arin’s arm. “See you soon?”

“I’ll come right back, I promise.” 

Arin’s skin tingled where Dan touched him and he left with a smile on his face.


	4. Chapter Four

On a windy Tuesday morning, Arin got a call from Brian at the ass crack of dawn, telling him that the doctors were planning on discharging Dan in the evening after a final check of his surgical site and another round of neurological observations with the specialist. They had moved Dan from the ICU and down to another less private room on the third floor. 

It was early, and they’d had a long night, but Arin rolled out of bed to Suzy’s sleepy murmured protests and hopped in the shower. When he came out and dressed, he was already itching to leave, but Suzy made him eat breakfast with her first and make a plan for the day. That was fair. Arin didn’t know how much time he’d be spending at Dan’s place, but he had promised to stay at least a few nights. Suzy was flexible, but she did like to be kept in the loop. Arin made them his best scrambled eggs and sorted things out over the meal like they did with every bump in the road.

Arin texted Brian again when he got to the hospital for the new room number and followed the signs. The atmosphere down here was much different from the ICU. It seemed lighter and brighter. The patients here were in recovery and their visitors were less tense. Nobody stopped to brief Arin on visiting procedures and safety regulations and he was able to walk right in.

There were four beds in the same large room, all with curtains to draw around for a sense of privacy. Two were unoccupied, and one had the curtains drawn. Arin could see the shadow of somebody inside, heard the low murmur of female voices. But at the far end of the room, there was a familiar head of tangled brown curls.

Dan was sitting upright, propped up in the bed. The first thing Arin noticed was that he was no longer connected to the IV line, or any other machine for that matter. Some of the pallor had gone from his face and he smiled when Arin came in. His friends Adam and Joe were already there.

Arin smiled back and nodded at Joe as Adam continued talking, something about a story of him and Dan camping in the Adirondacks. Arin must have missed a punch line, because Dan burst into a peal of laughter, leaning back against his pillow with his shoulders shaking in a less boisterous version of his usual habit of throwing himself against Arin’s shoulder in his mirth.

Arin couldn’t help but feel a little left out, although he didn’t begrudge Dan spending time with his other friends. They were flying back home today, after all.

“Hey, Arin!” Dan said, his cheeks all flushed from laughter. “You like the new digs?”

“It’s a little cramped, but it’ll do.”

“Yeah, I liked my private room too. But apparently I’m being let out of here after dinner if the doctor gives me the all-clear.” 

“So I heard. It’ll be nice to have you back.”

“I’m excited to see my house. Whatever it looks like, I bet it’s better than this.” Dan noticed the backpack Arin had lugged in with him. “Hey, what’s in there?” 

“Oh yeah.” Arin had almost forgotten. “I brought you some clothes.”

“Clothes?” Dan tilted his head, accidentally adorable as usual.

“Yeah.” Arin opened the bag. “I found this shirt and jacket you left at my place and a pair of pants from the office. Suzy bought you a pack of underwear. And there’s socks. They’re mine, but you can keep them.”

“I take off my pants at the office?” Dan grinned again. “I think I love my job already.”

That got an appreciative laugh all around.

“We wear different stuff while filming different segments on the same day,” Arin explained. “Sometimes we leave shit there just in case.”

“They brought the stuff I was wearing,” Dan said, nodding at a pile of folded clothes on the little bedside cabinet. Arin recognized his brilliant blue tank top and dorky oversized sneakers.

“I figured they would. But I thought you might want something clean and warmer to go home in. They don’t wash personal clothes here because the hospital linen has to be washed at like, two billion degrees to kill bacteria and shit.” 

“I never thought of that,” Joe said. “What, so if your clothes get ripped up, they send you home in those paper scrubs?”

“Yeah, unless someone brings you something to wear.” 

Adam and Joe exchanged a look. “I never thought of that either,” Adam admitted. “Jeeze, Arin, he’s lucky he has you.”

Arin ducked his head and tried to sound flippant. “I, uh, I Googled it last night. I was thinking that Dan might be cold today too, if they send him home late. It’s windy and the forecast said it would get down to fifty degrees tonight.”

“Dude.” Dan reached for the bag, and Arin handed it to him. “That’s…incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you.” 

Arin gave a shrug. “No big deal. Just wanted to make sure you were comfortable on your way home.”

He watched as Dan looked at his own belongings, pulling the haphazard outfit out piece by piece to examine them. Arin put Dan’s old clothes back in the empty backpack and folded the new ones for him as Adam and Joe said their goodbyes and left.

Before Arin could say anything else, a nurse came in, wheeling a small cart alongside her. Arin saw the gleam of metallic instruments and clean white towels. Dan’s laugh faded and he looked at her apprehensively. 

“My stitches are coming out?” Dan guessed. 

“That’s right,” the nurse said cheerfully.

Dan gripped the rail of the bed a little tighter. “Does Arin have to leave?”

“Oh no, he’s welcome to stay, don’t worry. I won’t be long.” 

“I don’t know if I’ve ever had stitches out before,” Dan said as the nurse had him sit up and turn his head. He was smiling, but it was his nervous smile, no teeth showing and his eyes wide. “Does it hurt?”

“It shouldn’t hurt,” the nurse reassured him. "You’ll feel some tugging and it might be a little bit uncomfortable, but it won’t take long.”

Dan looked rather unsure about this but he just said, “Oh, okay.”

“You’ve had stitches out before,” Arin told him. “I’ve seen it.”

“Yeah?” Dan kept his eyes on Arin as the nurse began her work, snipping the stitches at each knot and using the tiny pair of forceps to pull out the thread. Dan grimaced a little but didn’t flinch. “How did I get hurt? What did I do?”

“You had a cyst on the side of your head. A benign cyst, but it had to come out. It was getting inflamed.”

“You came with me?”

“I drove you to the hospital on the morning of your surgery,” Arin said, remembering. “I offered to pick you up too, but you already had a ride arranged. Maybe a week and a half later we went after work to get the stitches out. It didn’t take long. You were just happy they didn’t have to shave any of your hair.”

“They did this time, though.”

“It’s not so bad. You have so much hair that I bet if you parted it the right way you won’t even tell.”

“It’s already growing back,” the nurse commented, touching the stubble. 

“Will it grow back over the scar? Oh - ow - I can feel that in my _eye_, that’s so weird.” 

“It’s not likely.” The nurse cut and tugged, cut and tugged. “But with your thick hair, I agree with Arin. It won’t be very visible.”

“I think it’ll look kinda cool,” Arin said. “Like your eyebrow scar.”

“Oh yeah, I noticed that too!” Dan grinned. “I was going to ask you about it. It’s even in my little, you know - on the intros - ”

“Your Grump head?”

“Yeah!” Dan didn’t seem to mind the feeling of the stitches being pulled out anymore. “How did I get that one? Am I just really prone to head injuries or what?”

“Knife fight in Tijuana,” Arin said breezily. “You should have seen the other guy.”

Dan’s eyes went wide. “_Really?_”

Arin broke up laughing so hard that he snorted, which sent Dan off too as the nurse patted away a few beads of blood and placed a bandage over the wound. Arin told Dan the real and much less exciting story as the nurse took Dan’s stubbly chin in her hand and had him turn his head from side to side, instructing him to tell her if anything hurt in his neck.

“When can he go home?” Arin asked her when it was done.

“The specialist will come by to make sure everything is going as it should be, and we’ll make sure he can walk and take care of himself before going over the at-home care regimen.”

“I walked this morning,” Dan told Arin when the nurse left. “All the way across the room and back.”

“By yourself? Is that safe?”

“I’m literally in the hospital, Arin. It’s a pretty safe place to take a spill.”

“Right,” Arin said, embarrassed. He didn’t want to baby Dan or treat him like an idiot. “So how did it feel?”

“It’s weird,” Dan said, frowning. “I know how to walk but sometimes it’s like my brain doesn’t fire right. Something doesn’t get communicated to my body. It’s a lot of effort. It looks like I’m walking in a pool, all slow and jerky.”

“Is that normal?” Arin asked anxiously.

“The nurses all said so. They said you have to basically re-program yourself to do everything. If I practice enough, it’ll become a habit again and my brain will know what to do.”

“Good,” Arin said, relieved. “So you just have to make sure you’re super careful and don’t fuck around with stairs.” An idea occurred to him. “Maybe when I bring you home I can turn your living room into a temporary bedroom. Do up your couch with your sheets and blanket and pillows, move some of your clothes down there, that sort of thing.”

“Is my couch comfortable?”

“Oh hell yeah, it’s huge. I’ve slept on it before.”

“Yeah?” Dan’s eyes sparkled. “Yeah, alright, that sounds like a good idea. What time do you think you can come back?”

“Come back?” Arin echoed.

“Well, you’re not planning on staying here all day, are you?”

“Dude, I cleared my schedule. If you want me around, I’ll stay. I brought my laptop again. Some of our coworkers made you another compilation from this live-action show we do.” Arin looked around. “I wish there were chairs in here. Think I could take one from another wing without anyone getting mad?”

Dan suddenly looked shy. “You could, um, you could sit on my bed if you want? There’s no tubes in the way anymore, and - I don’t mind.”

The hospital beds were wide and sturdy. And Dan didn’t take up much space. “Okay,” Arin agreed. “Just, um, let me just grab my laptop.”

“Pass it here.” Dan took the laptop from Arin and inched himself over. Arin toed off his shoes and knelt on the bed, carefully leaning on his side with his head propped up. There was ample space for him, although they were close enough for Dan’s hair to touch his face. Dan’s hands slipped on the laptop but he caught it and laughed, a little nervously. “Sorry.”

“No problem,” Arin said easily, reaching over to boot it up and put his password in. 

Dan tilted himself to the side to let Arin see the screen more easily as he searched for the compilation he was after. “You’re warm.”

“Too warm?”

“No, it’s nice. I’m kind of cold.” He touched Arin’s arm to demonstrate, and it _was_ cold to the touch.

“Jesus.” Arin grabbed Dan’s hand trying to envelope it in the warmth of his own. “Want me to zip home and grab you another blanket? Or I can ask the nurse - ”

“I think I’m good,” Dan murmured, and he wasn’t looking at the screen even as Arin started the video. When Arin glanced over, puzzled, Dan’s gaze flickered back to the screen.

Arin pulled the curtain closed and inside it was like their own little world. He could almost pretend like it was just the two of them, in the office or at his house, enjoying a rare quiet moment together.

Inch by inch, Arin began to relax. Dan’s personality hadn’t changed a bit. He was still bubbly, goofy, gullible Dan. He seemed to get along with Arin just as well as he ever did and he seemed excited at the idea of spending time together after he was out of the hospital. It was just like back when they first met, except Dan seemed much more comfortable around Arin already. Probably because so many people had told him how close they were, but - still. It was something. Arin chose to take it as a sign that some part of Dan still remembered him. Like the neurology specialists said, the memories were still _there_. Dan just wasn’t able to access them right now.

Arin was also aware that there were bigger issues at hand than their friendship. Dan had a life and world of his own and it had been taken away from him. Despite his brave face, he had to be scared about what happened next. Waking up in a hospital not knowing who he was - that was scary. Being made go to a home that he didn’t know, with someone who he just met…Arin couldn’t even imagine how crazy this must be to Dan.

“Are you worried about what will happen if…” Arin started to say into the silence between videos.

Dan started as if he’d been in a trance. He tapped the spacebar to pause and said, “What?”

Arin suddenly felt stupid. Dan didn’t need to be prompted into being upset when he was doing such a good job staying positive. But there was no point in going back now. “Are you scared of not getting your memory back?”

Dan was quiet for so long that Arin was sure he was irritated, but before Arin could apologize he said, “I don’t know. Yes and no. On one hand it’s terrifying that I have this house and this life that I don’t even know about but I have to go try and live it. On the other hand…I mean, you said you’d help me. And I don’t really miss what I don’t know. I like my parents and my friends, but when they talk about their memories with me it just sounds like someone telling a story about a stranger. It’s interesting - don’t get me wrong, I appreciate them telling me so I have more of an idea how they fit into my life - but no, I guess I’m not sad, exactly. Except - ”

“Except what?” Arin prompted.

Dan was quiet again, this time lost in thought. “I wish I knew what I did to make you care so much about me.”

That cut Arin right to the heart. Arin definitely wasn’t the teary type but fuck if that didn’t almost choke him up. “You changed my life. You saved my career. You - fuck, man, you’ve seen the videos, you know you’re hilarious. You make me laugh every single day. And there’s something in the way you look at the world that’s inspiring. There’s nothing petty or mean about you. You just want the best for everybody. And you’re humble about it too. You’re talented and hardworking but if anyone asks about your success you just say that you had tons of help from your grandma and your parents and others.”

“You think a lot of me.” That statement was humble too, almost like Dan was chewing it over in his mind.

“Everyone does.”

“Everyone,” Dan repeated, his warm eyes fixed on Arin’s face. “But you’re the one who’s been here with me for hours on end. You’re the one who promised to take me home and take care of me.”

Dan’s tone was almost awed. Arin hadn’t thought that any of those things were grand gestures. Arin was unencumbered by kids, like Brian. He lived nearby, unlike Dan’s family and Jersey friends. It was the least he could do for a friend. And this was fucking _Dan._ The man he almost lost. Hearing the news of his accident had been the worst and most painful experiences of Arin’s life. There was little Arin wouldn’t do for him.

Dan was waiting for him to say something. Arin cleared his throat.

“When they told me that you were in a coma,” Arin began slowly. “I…I guess I kind of realized all the things I should have said to you. All the time we could have spent together and all the ways my life would change without you. How empty I’d be. Being told that you might not make it - that you might never wake up - it was…it was hard, Dan. Having you back feels like a miracle. I never want to take you for granted ever again. Trust me, it’s not a chore for me to be here with you. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Dan held the laptop steady so he could turn slightly to the side, closer to Arin. They moved together, Dan pulling his head back to give Arin room to lay his head on the pillow next to him instead of being propped up on his hand. Between their bodies, their arms rested together. Dan didn’t seem to mind, and neither did Arin, although the contact was louder in his head than the tinny sound of his own laughter from the laptop.

“I think I’ll be okay if I have someone like you,” Dan said softly, like he was afraid to speak too loudly. 

Arin’s heart thumped. “Yeah?”

“I’m not scared when you’re here with me.”

Arin had already promised not to let him be alone. It was a promise that would be easy to keep.


	5. Chapter Five

The day was long, but Arin didn’t mind. He never thought he’d be able to binge so much of his own show without getting bored, but hearing Dan laugh hysterically at his own jokes and all their tired gags never got old. 

Suzy came by around lunch with a thoughtfully packed lunch for Dan, and Ross and Brian dropped in a couple of hours later. It helped break up the monotony. Before Arin knew it, the afternoon faded away, and the nurse on duty let them know that they were almost ready to go home.

Dan seemed to be in high spirits when the specialist came down with an assistant for his last round of observation. Arin stood at the side of his bed and made jokes as they checked Dan’s sensory and motor functions, shone lights in his eyes and checked his pulse and temperature. Even the doctor was smiling as Dan struggled to hold still while suppressing giggles. When they were done Dan was allowed to dress, and was able to do so by himself even if he was a little more clumsy than usual. 

Dan held on to Arin’s shoulder to steady himself as he pulled his clothes on. Arin helped him with the zipper on the hoodie. After so many days of lingering in place, everything seemed to be moving so fast. At the nurses’ desk they handed Dan the pages of home care instruction and the same brochures for trauma counsellors that Arin had been given, and then they were moving, Dan looking to Arin for direction as they made their way downstairs and out the front doors. 

Near the door Dan grabbed for his hand, which Arin didn’t think much of. This had to be frightening for him. Arin squeezed Dan’s hand reassuringly as they walked out of the hospital for hopefully the last time. 

“How are you feeling?” Arin asked him for probably the hundredth time. Dan didn’t complain at all during his convalescence, so it was easy to forget he’d flipped his car into a ditch less than two weeks ago. Arin had forgotten about the bruising on his chest from the impact of the seatbelt until he‘d seen the damage as Dan had dropped the hospital gown to his waist. 

“A little sore.” Dan’s fingers touched the edge of his scar. “Neck’s a little stiff, but getting better.”

“You’re not dizzy at all?” 

“Only when I sit up too fast. I’m fine right now.”

_It could have been so much worse,_ Arin reminded himself when his stomach did the usual flip at the thought of the surgeons slicing into his head. The other two people that had caused the accident in front of Dan were not as lucky. One had been wearing a seatbelt, but the other - the one who’d been responsible for the collision - had not.

Dan had been extraordinarily lucky in many ways. Not only could he walk, albeit stiffly, he didn’t seem to be acting unusual as the specialists said he might. He wasn’t irritable or restless, he slept fine, and his attention span seemed normal.

Still, though, Arin knew that Dan was probably in more pain than he let on. He never did like to admit when he was suffering. It took years before he’d let Arin know just how badly his digestive issue affected him at times. The pain accounted for some of the tightness of Dan’s smile. The fear at being lost in his own life made up for the rest.

“We’ll take it slow,” Arin told him. “I’ll stay with you as long as you want. Brian said he’ll come over as often as he can, too.”

“I’d like that.”

They came around the corner of the building. A siren howled in the distance. Even the rumble of passing cars seemed loud after the tense quiet of the hospital. Dan held Arin’s hand more tightly but didn’t speak. 

“The parking garage is across the street,” Arin told him when Dan looked around. “This is all physician parking.”

“Yeah, alright.” Dan looked small and pale in the brilliant sunlight. His smiles were gone. Arin wondered if maybe he was nauseous, or maybe just exhausted after his ordeal. 

They entered the parking garage together. Arin pointed out his car and let go of Dan’s hand to dig for his keys. “Ready to get the hell out of here?” he asked, but when he looked over, the expression on Dan‘s face made him freeze. “Dan?”

Dan swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Are you alright?” 

“Dunno.” His hands were shaking. 

“Fuck, are you feeling sick? Should we go back? What’s wrong?”

“I think…” Dan started, shakily. “I don’t know. Something about getting in a car - it‘s freaking me out. Even just crossing the street made my stomach feel weird.”

_Fuck._ Arin hadn’t thought about that. He assumed that since Dan didn’t remember the accident, they wouldn’t have to deal with any of the psychological effects. “Did you get a flashback or something?”

Dan shook his head and grimaced. “No. I still don’t remember anything. I know what happened and how they found me, but that’s it. I didn’t feel scared hearing about it.”

“But it just hit you now.”

“Yeah,” Dan rubbed his mouth. “Something in my head just started, like, setting off a warning bell.”

He looked like he was about to be sick. Arin saw him turning even paler. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Just breathe, Danny. If you have to be sick that’s okay.”

Dan took several deep breaths and said, “Not gonna puke. I don’t think.”

Arin glanced around. “There’s a diner nearby,” he said, remembering when he went there with Suzy after Dan first woke up. “Maybe we can chill there for a bit and talk about this until you feel better. Or we can - I don‘t know - it’s way too far of a walk - but maybe we could stop off at Brian’s place first? To break up the drive?”

“I don’t know.” Dan hugged his arms around himself. “I don’t even know why I’m scared. I don’t remember any accident. I don’t remember anything.”

Arin hated seeing Dan look so lost. “We could go back into the hospital if you want? There’s a Starbucks. We could sit there for a while. I could call someone, maybe Brian, or Suzy…”

“I just want to go home,” Dan whispered. “Wherever the fuck that is.”

“Dan,” Arin started, his heart aching for him. He stepped forward and wrapped Dan in a hug.

Dan’s body was rigid at first. But slowly, he relaxed, leaning in against Arin. Eventually his arms came up to hold onto Arin’s waist and he pressed his face into Arin’s shoulder. Arin rubbed circles on his back and wished he could say something that would help. But what could he say? Nothing could make this better. Dan had every right to feel lost and helpless and scared.

“We’ll do whatever you want,” Arin said into Dan’s hair. “We’ll get you home somehow. I’ll get a fuckin’ wagon and pull you if that’s what you need.”

Dan’s shoulders hitched and Arin was worried that he had started to cry, but instead he heard a snort. Dan raised his head and smiled lopsidedly at Arin with his watery eyes.

“Dunno if that’s necessary,” he said. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. That weird feeling is going away, I think.”

“I’m a careful driver,” Arin assured him. “Never even had a ticket.”

Dan nodded and stepped back. “I trust you. I just - had a moment there.” He patted his back pocket, where he’d shoved the folded brochures about therapy. “I guess these make sense, huh? I should probably talk to somebody. After I get used to my house and my life.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Arin told him, inwardly marvelling at how well Dan was handling himself. “I’ll do some research on their recommended therapists with you. And earlier, I was thinking - you did see a therapist a while back, but you don’t go regularly - and she’s not a trauma specialist or anything.”

“She’d know me, though,” Dan said slowly, brow furrowing. “That could help. I’ll think about it. Thanks, Arin.”

“No problem, dude. But first things first, yeah? Let’s get you home. Maybe stop somewhere to get real food for dinner. I don’t know what you have.” 

“Right.” Dan put his hand on the car door handle, and took a breath before getting in. Arin went around to the driver’s side and followed suit.

As he pulled out of the parking lot, Dan kept his eyes closed. He leaned into his seat and tipped his head back as gently as he could. Arin stayed quiet to allow him the time to rest.

He’d thought Dan had fallen asleep until he said, minutes later, “So where do I live, anyway?”

“Not too far. In Glendale, but close to the Burbank side. Kind of by the Galleria.” Arin was curious, and Dan seemed to want the distraction of conversation. “Do you still remember, like, basic geography?”

“Sort of?” Dan opened his eyes and looked out the window. “None of this looks familiar. I don’t feel like I live here, but I do know where Glendale is on a map. I can think of landmarks. Hey, um, if we stop for food, do you know where my wallet is?”

“They found it in your car,” Arin remembered. “Your parents had it. They dropped it off at the office - we’ll get it later. Or I could have someone bring it by for you.”

“How will I pay for food?”

“Dude,” Arin said. “I can get it.”

“You sure?”

“Well yeah, of course. I’m gonna eat whatever I end up making, too.”

“You can cook?” 

Arin shrugged modestly. “I like to, yeah. I didn’t used to, but after the first time I went to Japan I wanted to learn how to make my favourite stuff at home.”

“Like sushi?”

“Oh yeah. And I can do some good ramen. I go all out. Kombu and shiitakes, nori and those pickled bamboo shoots - the real deal.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. Arin was glad to see some colour returning to his face. He looked like he was handling the drive well. “Is there anything you can’t do?” he asked admiringly.

Arin was embarrassed. “Plenty. Cooking’s not hard.”

“Well, can I cook?”

“You can make a good sandwich?” Arin offered. “One time I saw you chop vegetables and put them in soup.”

“I’m lucky to have you, then.”

“Because of the ramen? You’re easy to please.”

“Am I?” A smile played around Dan’s lips, a smile that Arin didn’t recognize. “Have you made ramen for me before?”

“Couple times.”

“You up for making it today?”

“Fuck yeah. Anything you want.”

“After all that Jell-O, I would kill for ramen. What’s with hospitals and Jell-O? Like why is that a thing?”

Arin chuckled. “I don’t know. Even those weird shakes seemed more appetizing.” 

Dan pulled a face. “Guess it could have been worse. They said they were gonna put a feeding tube down my throat if I didn’t wake up when I did.”

“That would have been horrifying to wake up with.”

“Right? It doesn’t sound very comfortable. Hey, where are we going?”

Arin had pulled off into a parking lot. “Getting the groceries. You can wait here if you feel tired? I promise, I’ll be fast. I’ll just grab the stuff for ramen and some basics to keep around.”

“Maybe I should stay. I’ll just slow us down.”

Arin was making a mental list in his mind already. “Okay. You rest up. I’ll be right back.”

Dan tipped his seat back, closed his eyes, and gave a thumbs up. 

**

Arin was halfway through the broth and seasoning when Dan came back into the kitchen after a thorough exploration of the upper floor of his own house. He’d insisted that he felt good enough to go up the stairs, although Arin had insisted on standing behind him just in case. Dan seemed steady enough that Arin scrapped his plan of making his living room into a bedroom for him. 

“Arin,” Dan said from the doorway, very seriously. 

“Yes, Daniel?” Arin said, imitating the tone.

“Have you seen my fucking bathtub?”

“Did it run away?”

Dan snorted. “No, I mean, have you seen how huge it is? That’s fucking awesome! I could practically swim in it . That was probably my reason for buying this place.”

“You actually renovated that bathroom. That was your idea.”

“I’m a smart man, I see.” Dan poked around the kitchen as Arin worked. His eyes were bright and curious. “There’s a painting of us upstairs.”

“Oh yeah. That one used to be in the old office, but you wanted to take it home. A fan made it.”

“Really?” Dan was awed. “And they just gave it to me?”

“We get a lot of gifts.”

“But it’s so good! Why would they just give that away? That’s so nice of them.”

Arin had to grin at the delight in Dan‘s voice. “They send us all kinds of stuff. Lots of artwork. Wait until you see the office.”

“I’m excited.” Dan appeared over Arin’s shoulder. “Oh, that smells good.”

“Want a taste?”

“Sure.”

Arin dipped a spoon in and blew on it dutifully. He meant to pass the spoon itself to Dan, but Dan leaned over to sip it straight from Arin’s hand. 

“Dude,” he said reverently. “That’s awesome. When can we eat?”

“It’ll be ready in five. I just have to do the toppings and boil the noodles.”

“Can I help?”

Arin considered. “I already set the table. You can go look around more if you want. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

Dan draped himself into a chair at the table instead. “I’ll wait here,” he decided. “Plenty of time to look around later. I think I got the hang of this place.”

Arin dumped the noodles into the water. “Think you’ll manage to feel at home here?”

“I think so. It almost feels like home already,” Dan admitted. “But maybe that’s just because you’re here.”

Arin liked the idea of making Dan’s home seem more welcoming for him. He knew Dan was going to feel the same way when their team helped show him around the office. Just like the old Dan, this one got along with everybody. He was already comfortable with Brian, loved Suzy, and was bright and chatty when Jory stopped by at the hospital to visit. He especially liked Ross, and laughed harder and longer than usual when he watched old episodes of Steam Train. 

They talked about work as they ate. Dan was nervous about the idea of being broadcast to so many people, but told Arin that he’d like to try recording something anyway.

“We don’t have to jump into that so fast,” Arin assured him. “One thing at a time.”

“Are we going to go to work tomorrow?”

“I was thinking that you’d like a tour, but we won’t stay long.”

“Why not? If you show me what I have to do I’m sure I could figure it out.”

“I’m not making you work the day after you get out of the hospital,” Arin said indignantly. “You did this the last time you had surgery, too.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, you showed up to our weekly meeting with your head still wrapped up like a fucking pineapple. I made you sleep on the couch in my office and drove you home in your car.”

Dan laughed. “Sounds like you.”

“You always want to push yourself and I won’t let you. Besides, I had some other stuff planned.”

Dan tilted his head. “Like what?”

“Um.” It sounded almost silly to say it out loud. “I was thinking…I wanted to take you around to places I know you used to love. Not anything really special, just places you’d normally go on a regular day. Maybe you can get a sense of what your life is really like now that you’ve met your friends and family. ”

“Take me where? You mean like a restaurant or something?”

“For a start. I also want you to have some fun after being in bed for so long.”

“Dinner and a movie?” Dan smiled.

“Anything you want. But after watching so much Youtube I didn’t think you’d want to go to a boring old theater.”

“Could be kinda nice, sitting at the back in the dark.”

Arin supposed it wasn’t pleasant to have spent so long in the hospital, with the ugly fluorescent lights and the constant invasion of nurses, not to mention the shared room Dan had been moved into. “Well sure, we could do that, if there’s anything good playing. But I had another idea.”

Dan sipped water and looked at Arin, clearly inviting him to continue.

“Obviously there’s no way to show you everything in one day, but I had the idea of going out to lunch at the sushi place where we met. It’s not like a world-class restaurant, but…oh, I don’t know. I know it’s not going to jog your memory, but it would be nice if you had a new memory of going somewhere with me for the first time. It’ll be kind of like how our friendship started all over again.” 

Dan looked like he wanted to speak, but stayed quiet, listening raptly with his fork halfway through twirling another bite of ramen.

“And then from there, if you’re feeling up to it, we could take a short walk. You used to like going for hikes up in the mountains, but since you’re still getting your strength back - well there’s this lookout point we can drive most of the way up to. It’s especially nice right at sunset.”

“Arin, that sounds…wonderful.” Dan set his fork down and blinked. “Wow. Yeah, I’d…I’d love that.”

“Good,” Arin said, a little flustered by how Dan was looking at him. “So for tonight let’s just take it easy, then? Save your strength for tomorrow?”

“I think,” Dan started, and then he yawned. “I think that sounds good,” he laughed. “I thought I’d never want to rest again after being in bed for so long, but I am pretty tired already.”

“I’m not surprised. They put you through the ringer with that last physical.”

“You think, maybe, we could watch a few more episodes before we go to bed? I remember seeing something about us taking personality tests. I’d like to see that.”

Arin smiled. “Anything you want.”

Arin cleaned up the kitchen and helped Dan to his feet. Together they went upstairs, and when Dan said he’d like a bath, Arin ran the water for him and hunted up clean towels and a bathrobe. Worried about Dan fainting or getting dizzy, Arin supervised from a respectful distance as Dan relaxed in the warm water. They used to shower right next to each other before and Dan wasn’t too hung up about privacy, but now, while Arin wasn’t exactly a stranger, he wasn’t as close as he used to be. 

Their day ended as it had begun, watching their own videos together. But this time Dan looked much more comfortable wrapped in his fuzzy robe with his thick blanket on top. And when he dozed off halfway through, Arin rolled out of bed carefully and tugged the blanket up to Dan’s chin.

“Goodnight, Danny,” he whispered, and turned off the lamp.

**

Dan woke first. When Arin opened his eyes he could hear the sounds of footsteps from upstairs, and then the toilet flushed and the water ran for a while. Arin meant to go up to meet him but Dan beat him to it, appearing on the stairs in nothing but his robe. When he saw Arin on the rumpled couch, he looked almost disappointed. Maybe Arin was just imagining things, because Dan then brightened and smiled.

“Morning,” Dan said. “You slept on the couch?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t so bad. Like I said, your couch is comfy.”

“Oh.”

Dan was always adorably confused when he woke up. “How did you sleep?” Arin asked. “First night in your own bed in two weeks, that must have felt good.”

“It was pretty roomy.”

Arin chuckled. “After the hospital bed, I bet yours did feel huge.”

Dan looked at him for a moment before glancing toward the kitchen. “Do you think I have coffee somewhere?”

“I’ll make it. I know how you like it. I’ll get breakfast too.”

Dan favoured him with another smile. “You gonna let me do anything for myself?”

“Nope,” Arin answered promptly. “You can rest. We’ll eat and then head out to the office as soon as you’re ready.”

“Yes, boss.” 

Dan seemed almost surprised at the raucous welcome he received at the Grumpspace. He lit up when he saw all the faces he recognized and was eager to meet those he didn’t. For a time Arin faded into the background as everyone clamoured to tour Dan around. Dan’s laughter filled the office and Arin, trailing behind, felt a sudden surge of gratitude. He remembered the days of waiting for Dan to wake up, thinking morbidly of how terribly empty this place would be without him.

But he was here. He was back. Maybe his memory would come back too, but if it didn’t - they would adapt. Arin felt like he could do anything as long as he had Dan. He’d known for a long time that he loved Dan, but he didn’t know how much until he’d almost lost him.

For the rest of the day Dan was laughing, smiling, eager to hear all the stories and to see everything he could. He didn’t mind the long drive to the sushi restaurant and ate enough to nearly match Arin’s appetite. A late lunch nearly slipped into dinner as they sat and talked and ordered mochi ice cream for dessert. Since it was winter and the days were short, they had to race up the winding, twisting roads into the hills to reach the overlook Arin wanted to show him.

Dan grew tired from walking on an incline, but the view from the top was worth it. Arin, watching from behind, saw him place his hands on the rail and look out over the cityscape as the sky turned from blue to a pale yellow and then finally to a blazing orange mixed with pink. The wind picked up the sweet, smoky scents of sage and creosote, and when Arin closed his eyes he almost felt like he was in the middle of nowhere, alone in the mountains with Dan.

Arin came up beside him and saw Dan’s face, reflective and softly elated. Dan sidled up right next to him, so close their arms were touching, but he didn’t speak. They were silent as the sun set below the horizon, the creeping indigo taking over the sky. The city below lit up with a hundred million twinkling lights. 

“Thank you,” Dan said in a whisper as they walked back to Arin’s car. It was like he was afraid to spoil the ethereal mood. “That was beautiful, Arin.”

It was only six PM. “Do you think you’re still interested in a movie?”

“Maybe at home? After that, I don‘t know if I want to go somewhere so…artificial. I think I just want to settle down.”

“I think I’d like that more, too.” Suzy had helped bring some of Arin’s things over - clothes and his toothbrush and his travel bag. “I usually like staying in at night.”

“What’s my favourite movie?” 

Arin didn’t even have to think about that one.

They watched The Last Unicorn together on Dan’s couch. Arin didn’t remember making it to the end.

**

Arin woke, disoriented. Someone had turned off the TV and the room was pitch black. 

“Shit,” Arin whispered as he shifted and felt his back twinge. He grimaced at the stiffness in his limbs. He’d fallen asleep sitting up. He felt the warmth of Dan beside him and heard his slow, quiet breaths. 

“Danny?” he asked into the darkness, to no avail. Dan was dead asleep too.

Arin patted around beside him, trying to remember where the fuck he’d left his phone. It felt like at least eleven or maybe even midnight. It always made his head feel strange to wake at this hour. 

Further exploration revealed his phone wedged behind the couch cushions. Arin fished it out, jostling Dan, who murmured in sleepy protest.

“Holy shit,” Arin said when he saw the time. He laughed. “Dan, it’s fucking two AM.”

Dan stirred beside him, his limbs unfolding. He turned his face toward Arin and smiled lopsidedly, then snuggled into Arin’s shoulder.

“You’re tired out from exerting yourself today,” Arin said, fondly. “I can get you up to your room. Probably kill your back sleeping like that.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan said, his voice thick with sleep. There was something odd about the way he kept looking at Arin. He made no move to get up, so Arin stood and offered him a hand. He knew how disoriented Dan was upon waking, so Arin led the way, guiding Dan to his own bedroom. He groped around in the darkness for the switch on the small lamp beside Dan’s bed, thinking that Dan might need help with his eyes still not adjusted to the dark.

Dan slowly approached the bed and wriggled out of his jeans. He glanced at Arin. “Are you…staying here, with me?”

“You want me to?” That wasn’t weird. They’d slept in the same bed before. Maybe Dan felt bad about Arin sleeping on the couch, no matter how often Arin reassured him that it was perfectly comfortable. “Sure.”

Arin took off his own jeans, leaving both of them in boxers and a T-shirt. He climbed in bed next to Dan and drew the blanket over them both. Once Dan was settled, he went to turn off the lamp. Dan stopped him with a touch on his shoulder. “Leave it on?”

“Whatever you want, Danny. It’s your house.” Arin didn’t like light while he slept, but that was okay. He was so tired he doubted it would make a difference. He adjusted the pillow and laid back with a sigh.

And Dan curled up against him, so close that Arin could feel his heartbeat beneath his thin shirt. Arin’s breath stuck and he instinctively drew Dan closer. Was he in pain? Was that why he wanted Arin close? “How’s your head?” he asked.

“Doesn’t hurt much. Just tender.”

“Good.”

Dan was quiet for a while, and Arin thought he’d fallen asleep. But then he said, “Hey, Ar’?” 

“Yeah?”

“Remember what I said yesterday? Before I left the hospital?”

“Which part?”

“I said I wish…” Dan started, and cut himself off with a yawn. He snuggled even closer to Arin. “I wish I knew what I did to deserve someone like you caring so much about me.”

“And now you do?”

“No. Now I’m just more amazed than ever. Everyone’s been so nice to me, but you…what you’ve done for me is incredible. Today was amazing.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I wanted you to have fun.”

“I did.” Dan looked at him openly. “If this is going to be my life, I’m happy with it.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Arin answered softly. “I’m happy I was able to help.”

“I don’t even know what I would have done without you.” 

Arin shifted and let Dan rest more comfortably in the crook of his arm. He was grateful that Dan trusted him so much.

“You know,” Arin said, remembering. “I was so worried when you woke up and didn’t remember me. I was freaking out that you wouldn’t like me or that you’d change somehow. I was upset that all our memories together were just…gone.” Something about the odd hour and the soft light was making Arin feel brave enough to speak with candor. “It was selfish, but I wanted my Dan back. But I know now that I never lost anything. You’re still Dan. I still hope you get your memory back, but if you don’t, we’ll just keep on making new memories.”

Dan was silent for so long that Arin wondered if maybe he’d fallen asleep halfway through Arin’s rambling.

“Are you still up?” Arin asked softly. Dan’s hair was obscuring his face, and Arin smoothed a hand over the curls to push them out of his eyes.

Dan looked up at Arin and kissed him.

_Oh._ Dan’s mouth was warm, and he tasted like the ginger tea Arin had made for them both before the movie. Arin couldn’t move at first. He was frozen until Dan realized that he wasn’t responding and pulled back immediately.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said huskily. His eyes blinked sleepily at Arin. “Do you…did you not want me to do that? I thought…”

“Dan,” Arin started, and then had no fucking idea how to end that sentence. He took a deep breath. Dan’s hair was a tousled mess and Arin thought he had never seen anything more irresistible in his life. His eyes were hooded with sleep but still sparkling, and his cheeks were flushed pink. Arin’s gaze stuck on his mouth, and he inhaled sharply as he remembered the softness of them all over again. Heat flooded him.

And Arin couldn’t help himself. He gave in to the desire he’d held secret for so many years and kissed Dan. 

Dan surged up to meet him, so enthusiastic that he ended up rolling half on top of Arin. His hand slid behind Arin’s neck, fingers pushing through his silky hair. Arin’s hands went to Dan’s waist, where his shirt had ridden up, and the heat of his skin filled Arin with something wild and primal. It was Arin who deepened the kiss, and Dan who met his tongue eagerly. If the pleasure hadn’t been so sharp and sweet Arin might have thought this was all a dream. 

“This is wrong,” Arin protested weakly, but his hands couldn’t tear themselves away from Dan’s hot bare skin. “What am I doing?”

“Why is it wrong?” Dan was arching into his touch. His lips brushed Arin’s jaw.

“Because…because you’re not yourself.”

“You just said I’m still me,” Dan teased.

Arin’s traitorous hands crept further up Dan’s shirt. He was having a hard time thinking. Dan‘s thigh was pressing lightly between his legs, and Arin didn’t think it was an accident. “Yeah, but…it’s…Dan, we just met like a week ago.”

“You’re being a gentleman,” Dan murmured. “Wanting to wait until I know you better. That, or you’re just a tease.” He kissed Arin’s neck, drawing a deep moan.

“Fuck,” Arin said weakly, his chin tipping back to give Dan room even as his conscience screamed at him. The scrape of his stubble was making Arin feel too weak to resist anymore. “Fuck - Danny - this…isn’t like you.”

“You said I haven’t changed at all.”

“That was - that was before you kissed me, dude.”

Dan had been kissing his way up to Arin’s ear, but Arin’s words made him stop. He looked at Arin with puzzlement, his brow furrowed. “How is that different?”

“What?” The shock of the question doused Arin’s arousal as effectively as ice water down his back. “What do you mean?”

“This isn’t the first time we’ve kissed.” Dan didn’t phrase it as a question. 

Arin’s brain was mush. “Dan…uh…actually…”

Dan’s eyes widened. “You mean…we’re not…we’ve never…”

Arin shook his head dumbly.

Dan pulled back, putting space between them. His face had turned pale. “But…you kissed me back.”

“Yeah,” Arin managed.

“If…if you don’t like me like that, then why…” Dan curled in on himself the way he did when he was anxious. “I don’t understand.”

“I never said I didn’t have feelings for you.” Fuck, what else could Arin say? The anxious, saddened look on Dan’s face was cutting him to the bone. “But I’ve never… you’re _straight_, Dan, you’re my friend…my best friend, I couldn’t ruin that by telling you how I…”

“I’m straight?”

The innocent question, said in such a disbelieving tone, snapped Arin out of his daze. The whole situation was so fucking insane that he had to laugh, and he did.

“You are,” Arin confirmed, smiling incredulously. 

“Um,” Dan said, and he looked at Arin for a long moment before tugging at his arm. This time it was Arin who ended up half on top of Dan. He shifted his lower body to avoid crushing the smaller man, and when he felt the hardness pressing into his hip he said, sharp in his shock, “Dan - ”

“Yeah. Yeah, I…Arin, I don’t feel very straight.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Arin’s blood was roaring in his ears. 

“As soon as I saw you smiling at me when I woke up, I knew.” Dan’s fingers carded through Arin’s hair. “I saw you and you looked so fucking gorgeous, and…and you were so worried about me, and so nice to me…spending hours by my side and waiting on me…”

_Gorgeous?_ Arin personally remembered himself looking like a worn-out shell, unkempt and exhausted. 

Dan continued. “When I saw all the videos of us on Game Grumps, I noticed the way we flirt…the way I look at you and talk to you and how we’re so close…I thought it was obvious. And then Suzy came to me at the office and told me in private that she was okay with us spending all this time together, and…it felt like she knew.”

_It was a joke,_ Arin almost said, thinking about everything he’d said very publicly on screen, but it didn’t really feel like a joke right now if it ever had been. “Maybe there was some tension,” he admitted. “I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. Suzy always knew.”

“And she doesn’t care if we…”

“She wouldn’t care.” Arin was certain of that. “We’ve…we might have had this conversation before.”

“About me?”

Arin never thought he’d be revealing this to Dan. “Yes. She encouraged me to tell you but…I couldn’t. I didn’t want to fuck up what we had together already.”

“So there’s no reason why you can’t kiss me again, right now?”

Arin groaned. Something still didn’t feel right. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Take advantage of me?” Dan repeated.

“You had a brain injury. You’re not yourself.”

Dan tilted his head and smiled. “I thought we already went through this. If I’m not me, then who am I?”

“I don’t know,” Arin said, a little desperately. “I don’t know.”

“Well,” Dan murmured, as his hands ran down Arin’s back to the swell of his ass, “you’re still you, right? And I know that you’re an amazing person. I know you make me laugh. I know we love each other. And I know that I want you.”

“I just - I think…fuck, Dan…” Arin’s own growing hardness had jumped at hearing Dan say _I want you_ in that husky voice. Every fibre of his being wanted Dan too. He wanted Dan to pin him to the bed and kiss him breathless. He wanted to pull him closer, feel his arousal against his own. He wanted that hot, soft mouth to keep exploring, trailing down his neck. But one thing held him back. 

Dan could sense it. “I don’t feel confused,” Dan assured him. “It’s not like I’m drunk. I’m capable of making decisions.”

Arin still hesitated. “I know…but…”

“But what?”

“Because I want you more than anything,” Arin almost whispered. “And - and I’ve wanted you for a long time. I want you so much it hurts, and if we do this - if I let myself think that this is possible - and you get your memory back - you’ll be horrified. Maybe you’ll hate me. Or maybe things will just be awkward forever. Because if we do this…if we go any further…I’ll never be able to forget that this happened.”

“I won’t want you to forget.” Dan kissed him again, chaste this time.

“You don’t know that.”

Dan sighed, frustrated, but said, “That’s fair. If you’re not sure, then…that’s okay.”

He looked disappointed. Arin said, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. If you’re not comfortable, nothing happens.”

Arin nodded. “We’ll talk in the morning. I think sleep will clear our heads.” Neither of them should be making any decisions in the heat of the moment, Arin decided. It had been a long and eventful day and they both needed to rest and think about what had just happened.

“You’re not sleeping downstairs again,” Dan said, half a question and half a demand. “It’s lonely up here, Arin.”

“I’ll stay,” Arin promised, even though just cuddling seemed too sweet to be laughed off later after Dan came back to his senses. Dan was so warm and he felt so good in Arin’s arms. And he couldn’t let Dan be lonely. _I promised I’d stay._

Arin kept his promise.


	6. Chapter Six

Arin woke to a face full of hair and a warm body pressed against his chest. 

For a few moments it was nice. Familiar. It reminded Arin of one of the first times they’d passed out together on the Grump couch accidentally. It had been one-thirty in the morning and both of them were exhausted. Dan nodded off halfway through the seventh episode. Arin wasn’t sure when he followed suit. They hadn’t been cuddling, but somehow Dan had managed to roll over and onto Arin.

Arin remembered waking up to a Game Over screen, disoriented but extremely comfortable with Dan’s weight pressing him into the old Grump couch. It was easier to get away with stealing that moment for himself. He hadn’t done anything to give away how much he wanted the closeness. It had been Dan who snuggled up to _him_ in the night, so it wasn’t Arin’s fault. 

And when Dan woke up, they both laughed about it. 

This time, though, it was Arin who rolled closer in the night - Arin who had slid an arm around Dan’s waist and practically buried his face in the back of Dan’s neck. And this time, he couldn’t laugh it off. Not after confessing his feelings for Dan. And not while Dan was recovering from a head injury that affected his ability to make decisions, no matter how much Dan insisted it did not. 

Arin pulled his arm away and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Dan murmured something unintelligible and rolled onto his back. The scar on the side of his head was stark against his pale skin. 

The night before had the blurry, feverish quality of a dream. Arin couldn’t decide if he felt guilty. He hadn’t done anything - he hadn’t started it - he had tried to hold back. 

Dan had a point when he’d said he was a consenting adult. But Arin knew full well that Dan would have never kissed him if it weren’t for his brain injury. It still felt like taking advantage of him. If Dan got his memory back and not only regretted what had happened, but resented Arin for going along with it…

_But if he’s like this forever?_ a little voice whispered in Arin’s head. _He wants you. He’s happy with you - he told you so._

The moral dilemma was a little too much for ass o’clock in the morning. Arin got out of bed without waking Dan. He showered and shaved, trying not to think about the feeling of Dan mouthing at his neck, and when he got out of the bathroom Dan still hadn’t moved. _He sleeps more than he used to,_ Arin noticed. Just one more sign that Dan hadn’t recovered as thoroughly as he’d insisted. Even when Arin went over to tug the blanket up to his chin, Dan didn’t wake up. His full lips parted as his face turned away from the light of the window.

Arin went downstairs to make breakfast before his thoughts veered too far into the danger zone.

Dan came down maybe twenty minutes later, still in the T-shirt and boxers he’d slept in. His face was cautious at first, but he met Arin’s eyes and smiled. There was something reserved about that smile, but it didn’t look like regret. More like Dan had something on his mind.

“Coffee?” he asked hopefully, and Arin gestured to the freshly brewed pot. “Oh, thanks.”

“How did you sleep?” Arin asked as Dan found the plate of food and tucked into it almost as enthusiastically as he did to his coffee.

“Pretty well,” Dan said absently. He ate a few bites with his brow furrowed. “I think I had a dream.”

“Good dream or bad dream?”

“Good, I guess. It felt…very real.”

“So a wet dream?”

Dan practically choked on his coffee. “Arin!”

“What?” Arin grinned. “What other kind of good dream is there?”

“You can have a good realistic dream without - without _ejaculating,_ Arin!”

“Sounds like a waste of time,” Arin said breezily. “Tell me about your dream?”

Dan was still giggling. He cleared his throat, composed himself, then said, “Well, um. I actually had a question for you.”

Arin wasn‘t following this at all. Maybe he was more tired than he’d thought. “Uh, what is it?”

“Did we ever go to Six Flags Magic Mountain together? And, um, specifically, did we, um, did we ride a coaster called X2?”

Arin stared. “Yes,” he said slowly. “We’ve been there a couple of times. Did you hear that on our show?”

“I don’t think so?” Dan seemed unsure. “It’s possible, I guess. But in my dream it was so clear.”

“You think you remembered something,” Arin said with dawning realization. “What else happened in the dream?”

“You were wearing a pink shirt,” Dan said. “Your hair was different. You didn’t have the…the stripey bit.” His eyes went to the blond piece in Arin’s hair. “We were talking about my band. I was trying to earn some money for my band. And you said you’d give me….a lot of money. Just like that, like it was nothing. I should have led with ‘Thank you’ or something but instead I asked why, and you just shrugged and said that I was your friend and friends helped each other out. And then I was standing there in line for this huge fucking coaster, just trying not to cry, and I hugged you.”

He’d never been that candid about that old story on the show and Arin knew it. “Dude,” Arin said, struggling to remain calm. “That definitely wasn’t just a dream. That was a memory.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “Are you sure?”

“That’s exactly how it happened.”

Dan broke out into a grin, and Arin got up to hug him. Dan put his arms around Arin’s neck and laughed as Arin whirled him in a circle. Arin spun him until he remembered that it probably wasn’t good for Dan to be getting dizzy, but when he set him back down sheepishly Dan didn’t seem to mind. 

“How does it feel?” Arin wanted to know. “This must be crazy for you.”

“Hasn’t sunk in yet.” Dan collapsed back into his chair. “It _is_ crazy. Like - that was _me._ That was us. I’ve been hearing all about my own history from you and the others but it’s so much different to really remember that I was there. All my other dreams so far have just been memories of the hospital, and, um - other, just random stuff about you - and the other people I’ve met.” His ears had turned pink.

“Can you remember anything else about that day?” 

“No. But I’ve been feeling strange all morning.” Dan put his hands to his forehead, rubbing his temples like he was trying to work something loose. “I woke up feeling like…like there was something just out of reach. Like when you know you know the word for something but just can’t say it.” 

“Like it’s on the tip of your tongue, except just in your head.”

“Exactly!” Dan thumped a hand down on the table. “I can’t shake it. It’s so fucking maddening! I want to remember everything.”

“Don’t rush it,” Arin said. “You just need time.”

“Wait,” Dan’s face suddenly changed. “Arin.”

“What?” 

“You seriously just _gave_ me that much money out of the blue? Arin, that’s - I paid you back, right?” 

“You saved my fucking career, dude, don’t worry about it.”

“But - ” Dan suddenly looked as overwhelmed as he had back at the park that day. Arin remembered it just as clearly. Dan’s hair had been shorter, close-cropped curls that framed his face artlessly. Arin loved Dan’s trademark fluffy hair, but whenever he saw an old picture, the nostalgia would make his breath catch.

“It wasn’t a big deal, okay?” Arin told him. “You were just in a rough spot. We’ve all been there. It was just cool that I was able to help.”

“You gave your hard-earned money to support a band that you had just heard of like, a year before.”

“It wasn’t just some band. You were my friend.”

“Still, Arin - how are you so amazing?”

“Well,“ Arin said, embarrassed. “It’s really not a big deal. What the hell is the point of having money if you can’t share it with the people you love?”

“Arin,” Dan said. “You’re making it really hard for me to not kiss you again.”

Arin, for once, was lost for words. His silence clearly made Dan feel awkward, because he looked away quickly and mumbled, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, fuck. We should talk about it. It was bound to come up.”

“Right,” Dan said. He hesitated. For a few moments neither of them spoke. Finally Dan said timidly, “Should we just…forget that ever happened?”

Something cold trickled down Arin’s spine. “Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know. I’m embarrassed that I was so mistaken about - about us. That I just assumed it was okay to kiss you because it must have happened before.”

“I mean…I can see why you’d get that impression. We joke around a lot on the show.”

Arin had avoided that word the night before, and with good reason. A flash of pain crossed Dan’s face.

“I didn’t mean - ”

“No,” Dan muttered. “No, it’s okay, you’re being honest. I appreciate it.”

“The stuff I said in public was a joke,” Arin clarified. “At least, I made it into one. What I said last night wasn’t.”

Dan looked at him, clearly wanting further explanation.

“I do have feelings for you.” It wasn’t as easy to say it over breakfast as it had been when he was in Dan’s bed, in his arms. Nothing could be blamed on the heat of the moment. “But I knew it could never happen. So I just kept it to myself. ”

“Suzy knew, though.”

“Suzy knows everything, dude. I couldn’t have hid it from her if I tried.”

Dan nodded. “But you didn’t tell me.”

“No, I didn’t tell my completely heterosexual best friend that I was in love with him,” Arin said exasperatedly. “Besides the fact that I didn’t want to wreck our friendship, I have a company to run. I have employees that depend on me not losing the co-host of our show because he doesn’t want to be around his boss anymore.”

“You’re in love with me?” Dan asked, so quietly that Arin barely heard.

_Shit._ Arin’s words dried up in his mouth at the sight of Dan’s cautiously hopeful eyes. “Yes, okay,” he managed. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just couldn’t help it.”

“And you never told me.” That seemed to be what Dan was stuck on. “And…I couldn’t tell? Even though we hung out nearly every day?”

“Well it wasn’t like I was staring at you twenty-four seven and doodling ‘Mrs. Arin Avidan’ in a notebook.”

Dan cracked a smile at that.

“I dunno, dude.” Arin sighed. “It wasn’t a big deal. I just didn’t think about it. I wasn’t like, pining over you. Things were fine. Things were great, even. Whatever I felt, it wasn’t worth ruining what we had.”

“How would it ruin anything?”

“Well - you’d feel weird, wouldn’t you? And maybe the jokes wouldn’t be jokes anymore. I don’t think you’d like, end our friendship or quit or anything, but - you can’t just shrug that shit off. ‘Oh, hey, by the way, I’m in love with you. Now let’s go to the meeting.’”

“You seem convinced that I wouldn’t have been interested, even after last night. From what I’ve seen, I beg to differ.”

“I think…” Arin chose his words carefully. “I think it’s hard for you to judge the situation considering you’re still recovering from massive brain trauma.”

“Is that what you think this is? Me being fucked in the head?”

“I didn’t say it like that.”

“But it’s what you meant.”

Arin already regretted his choice of words. “I meant that - you might just be confused.”

Dan sighed and rubbed his temples. “I’m not slow, okay? Maybe I don’t know exactly who I was before. But I do know how I feel about you now. And I don’t think you can just change your sexuality from hitting your head too hard.”

“I don’t want to fight,” Arin said tiredly. “I’m sorry.”

Dan was studying his hands. “Neither do I. I just don’t like you thinking that what I’m feeling for you isn’t real.”

Arin felt a twinge of guilt. “I don’t think that. I’m not trying to be an asshole. I just don’t want us to do anything you’ll regret. Like I said - ”

“You’re still afraid.” It wasn’t a question. “You keep saying that I’m going to change my mind if I get my memory back. Even though you said yourself last night that you thought there was always some tension between us.”

Arin nodded slowly. Looking back, he could remember all the times when their banter had veered close to flirting. He remembered meeting Dan’s friends Adam and Joe and Spanish years ago, and how he noticed the difference in the way Dan joked around with them. Dan laughed often and loudly, but he didn’t flush at their dirty jokes or even hug them as readily as he would with Arin. And he certainly didn’t curl up against them on the couch, or sit close enough for their arms to touch. He didn’t do that with Ross or Brian either. 

“Maybe I was right,” Arin admitted slowly. “Whatever’s going on, though, I think we should take it slow. This is a big deal. It’s not something I think we should be focusing on when you‘re still in recovery.”

“I might have come on a little too strong,” Dan said sheepishly. “That was kind of a lot for a first kiss.”

Arin snorted. “I mean, I’m definitely not complaining.”

Dan’s face flushed. “So what do we do now?” he asked. 

“See where this goes, I guess?” Arin ventured. “I’m not opposed to exploring our feelings for each other. Maybe we should just hold off on doing anything that involves taking our pants off.”

Dan glanced down at his bare legs and looked back up to Arin with an impish little grin. “Should I go put some on, then?”

“Um,” Arin started, as Dan got up to take his plate to the sink. His clothes were still sleep-rumpled, and the fabric of his underwear was clinging to his ass in a way that destroyed Arin’s ability to formulate a sentence. 

Dan was clearly enjoying himself. He rinsed the plate and bent to place it in his dishwasher. “Were you going to say something, Arin?” he asked innocently.

“You’re making this whole ‘take it slow’ thing hard.”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. What am I making hard?” Dan laughed before Arin could reply, which was good because Arin had absolutely no idea how to respond without grabbing Dan and pinning him to the counter to show him exactly what the flirtatious little fucker was doing to him. Dan bumped the dishwasher shut and said, “I’ll stop, I promise. Are we going to work today? I heard you talking to Brent last night.”

It took a second for Arin to get some blood back into his brain. “Yeah, he was just giving me some updates. Ross and Brian recorded some new content for us, and one of their episodes went up yesterday.”

“Is it doing well?” Dan had been keenly interested in their channel stats since he saw the outpouring of support from their fans on his social media. Nothing Arin said could stop him from worrying about letting them down. “Do people like them just as much?”

“Haven’t checked the numbers. It’ll be fine, Danny. You’re supposed to be focusing on you.”

“I feel okay, though. I want to help.”

Suzy had set up a day planner for them. Arin paged through it. “You have your physiotherapy thing at one-thirty. And Ross said he’d have you over for dinner if you wanted to go.”

“Just me?”

“I was thinking I could take Suzy out if you had someone to watch you.”

Dan couldn’t hide his disappointment, but he nodded. “I guess she misses you,” he conceded. “And I guess you probably want to tell her what happened.”

“We can hang out around here until your appointment,” Arin said. “Maybe watch another movie.”

“What about more stuff from our channel? Live-action skits or those compilations people make of our Instagram videos. I want to see if maybe something else will come back to me. I mean,” he added quickly, “only if you want to. You must be pretty sick of reliving all this old stuff by now.”

Arin didn’t mind at all. Not when he got to have Dan snuggled up to him on the couch, insisting on being the big spoon with Arin laying in front and Dan’s spider-monkey limbs wrapped around him.


	7. Chapter Seven

Arin wasn’t worried when he told his wife everything that had happened. He had nothing to feel guilty about. She had always been encouraging Arin to be honest with Dan. He was only hesitant that she’d be surprised at just how far Arin had let Dan go, given the circumstances. Not because of any loyalty to her, but because of Dan’s not-quite-altered state. Arin was approximately ninety-five percent sure he hadn’t done anything morally wrong, but as it turned out, he really didn’t fucking like even the slight possibility of a lack of informed consent.

At five, Ross came to pick Dan up and Arin drove home to change. He’d decided to take Suzy to Yamashiro, partially because the food was fucking delicious but mostly because she deserved a romantic gesture from him after he left her alone for days to take care of Dan. 

Not that she’d ever complained. It wasn’t in her nature to be jealous.

She listened to Arin’s summarized version of events to the gentle tinkling music that turned the little koi garden into something straight out of a movie. The well-spaced tables allotted a sense of privacy and their conversation was lost to passing servers and fellow diners over the burbling waterfall in the pond below. 

“You were surprised that he kissed you?” Suzy repeated when he was done, with a note of amused exasperation in her voice.

Arin was taken aback. “What do you mean? It’s not like it’s a habit of his.”

“Arin,” Suzy said, grinning. “What did you think would happen after you swept him off his feet like that?”

The night air was cool but Arin suddenly felt very warm. “I did what?”

“It kind of sounds like you took him on a date.”

Arin spluttered on his tea. The warmth turned to fire. “I didn’t - that’s not - I was just trying to show him around and make sure he had a good time. He deserved it - he’d been trapped in bed for so long and had been through so much - ”

“So you took him out to lunch and watched the sunset with him, all alone on that beautiful outlook you took _me_ to when we first moved out here,” she teased, her eyes sparkling.

Arin hadn’t forgotten about that. But he’d never made the connection. “Oh,” he said stupidly.

“Dan’s a romantic,” she reminded him. “A hopeless romantic, really. And then you come along, standing vigil at his bedside, holding his hand, comforting him - ” She laughed. “Like a romance novel, where the heroine _soothes_ her love’s fevered brow - ”

“Why am I the heroine?” Arin broke in, and Suzy just gave him a _look_. 

“You’ve been so wonderful to him,” she continued, dropping her amused smile. “How could he not fall in love with you all over again?”

“What do you mean, again?”

She gave him another look.

“What?” Arin protested. “Suze, he’s not - ”

“He does love you,” she said. “Now, and before, too. You two had an immediate connection. There’s always been something special about your relationship.”

“As friends, yeah.” Arin _had_ felt an immediate connection to Dan the first time they’d met in person. He was pretty sure Dan just had that effect on people. He was so unabashedly charming with his easy smiles and genuine nature. Other people were drawn to him too.

Suzy sipped her milk tea. “Arin, he didn’t grow up like you. You two aren’t very far apart in age, but - it was different for him. At fifteen you were thinking about dating guys and wearing makeup and you had people around you that didn’t care. He grew thinking he had to conform to not be accused of being anything less than straight and masculine.”

“He’s gotten over that.” Even the fans had noticed Dan’s growth on that subject.

“It’s not something that’s easy to forget,” Suzy said quietly.

Arin didn’t know what to say. His thoughts were swirling around his head too fast to examine and decipher. A diversion came in the form of dessert, which gave Arin time to collect his thoughts as they both dug in to their mochi ice cream. It didn’t take long for them to finish one bowl between them, and after getting the check they lingered, finishing their tea. It was pleasant in the dark with the lanterns shining on the pond. Arin could see the whorls of the koi moving just beneath the surface. And Suzy was gorgeous in a red dress and softly curled hair. 

Arin reached for her hand over the table. She took it and said, “Have you considered that maybe this Dan is the one you would have met in the beginning if he hadn’t had years of socially ingrained homophobia to overcome?”

The words hit him hard. The thought had crossed his mind but he hadn’t expected Suzy to put it so bluntly.

“What if it was?” he asked when his throat stopped clenching. “It doesn’t change the fact that Dan’s upbringing is a part of him. For better or for worse. When he remembers everything, it’ll just go back to the way it was.”

“He’ll remember kissing you.”

Arin winced. “Yeah, and that’ll go over well.” She didn’t say anything, so Arin said, “Suze, fuck, it’ll be awkward for everybody.”

“Will it?” She looked at him for a while longer, then sighed. “We’ll deal with that - if he ever does get it back, of course. I know we’re all hoping for the best, but at least we know that in the worst case scenario, Dan is happy.”

“After he remembered us at Six Flags, I think it’s just a matter of time,” Arin said, almost absently.

Suzy’s face changed. “What?”

“Wait, I didn’t tell you?”

“Dan remembered something?” she asked eagerly. “Oh, Arin, that’s amazing!”

“I can’t believe I didn’t tell you!” Arin grinned. “He had a dream about the time we rode the X2 - back in 2012 when we went to Six Flags after he moved here. He was able to remember what shirt I was wearing and - and how I helped him out with NSP.”

“That has to be a sign!” Her eyes were shining. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

“I was distracted.”

“Oh, I bet you were.”

“What does that mean?” Arin protested, and fuck if he wasn’t blushing again.

She rolled her beautiful eyes at him and downed the rest of the tea. “As if you don’t know.”

They drove home under a full moon, bantering like only a married couple could. Arin checked his phone and found a few sweet texts from Dan, telling him that Ross had eaten a taco in two bites and that they were going to play Mario Kart together. Ross sent him a string of stupid selfies with Dan sleeping in the background, totally passed out on Ross’s couch with his mouth hanging open and his hair in his eyes like a sheepdog - and totally oblivious to Ross putting various props on him for the pictures. 

Arin replied to Dan first, telling him that he hoped he kicked Ross’s ass at Mario Kart knowing full well he’d lost spectacularly, and then told Ross to be nice. Then he followed his wife upstairs and forgot about everything in the world except for her, for a little while.

**

Dan called him in the middle of the night.

“Arin,” he said, his voice ragged, and Arin was instantly alert.

“Yeah?” He was already rolling out of bed, disoriented in the dark. The floor was cold on his bare feet, but that didn’t account for the icy feeling creeping into his stomach. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

“I - I’m remembering things,” Dan said, and laughed hoarsely. “I mean, I think. I don’t know if they’re real, or if I’m - my head hurts so fucking bad, I can’t think straight.”

Arin glanced at Suzy’s sleeping figure and sidled into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him. “Where’s Ross?” 

“He’s asleep. I don’t - his door is shut. I don’t want to wake him up.”

“Danny, are you okay?” He sounded awful.

“No,” Dan answered in a voice so small that Arin could barely hear. “Feels like my head is being split open.”

“I mean, it kinda was.”

Dan gasped out a laugh. Arin took the opportunity to dart back into the bedroom and take Suzy’s phone from the nightstand. He called Ross from her phone as he said, “I’m going to tell Ross to get up and come sit with you until I get there.”

“Arin,” Dan said, and through his obvious pain Arin could hear the faintly scandalized tone that the fans liked to compare to a disappointed mother. “It’s okay - you don’t have to come. Don’t wake Ross up. I - I shouldn’t have even called.”

“Too late,” Arin said, as he turned Suzy’s phone on speaker and answered Ross’s groggy, accented “What?” with “Wake up, dude, Dan needs you. I’ll be there in a bit.”

“It’s two AM,” Ross said mournfully. But then Dan let out a faint groan of pain and Ross instantly changed his tone. “Hold on, Danny.”

Arin scrambled to dress. Suzy woke up long enough for Arin to let her know what was going on, and then he was out the door and on his way to Ross’s Glendale apartment.

He let himself in - he knew the passcode for the secure entrance - and found the front door to Ross’s unit unlocked. Inside, it was dark, with just the stove light on to give him a sense of direction. Arin blinked a few times to adjust to the darkness and saw the outlines of Ross and Dan on the couch together.

“I got him some Tylenol,” Ross said, keeping his voice low. “It’s all I have.”

“S’working,” Dan mumbled. “Slowly.”

Arin sat on his other side and put an arm around Dan’s back. Dan leaned into him and his hair tickled Arin’s face. Over the halo of curls, Arin could see Ross’s pale, scared face.

“He hasn’t told me anything,” Ross said in response to Arin’s questioning look. “I’ve just been trying to comfort him.”

Dan was shivering. Arin kissed the top of his head and said, “Dan, hey, do you just want to rest here with me? Or do you need to talk?”

“Talk, I think,” Dan said, muffled. “Kinda freaking out here.”

“About what?”

“I - I think I remember being in my car. Upside down. I remember - this huge noise, like a crunch, and then this horrible feeling in my head. Not pain - just this tight feeling, like pressure building. My ears were ringing. Everything went grey, and - and then nothing.”

“You remember the accident,” Arin said, incredulous. “They said you probably wouldn’t. Fuck, Dan, that sounds scary as hell.”

“I could have died. I think…I think I thought I was. Dying, I mean. I remember being terrified. It all happened so fast and I wasn’t ready.”

Arin tightened his hold on Dan. It was all he could do. There really wasn’t any way to sugarcoat it. “Of course you weren’t,” he said like an idiot. “I’m sorry you have to remember that, of all things.”

“It’s funny,” Dan said, although it didn’t really sound funny. “The thing about it - it’s the only memory that feels real. I kept drifting in and out of sleep, and dreaming things that seemed like memories. Being onstage - being in a plane - being in a studio with Brian. But it doesn’t feel like me. It’s all disjointed - like being in someone else’s head - and there’s no way to know if I’m just making up fake memories based on what I’ve learned about myself.”

Arin couldn’t even imagine what it must feel like to be in Dan’s situation. His heart ached with sympathy. He rubbed Dan’s back and said, “Maybe if you just keep thinking about the stuff you think you remember, or write it down, it’ll start to feel different.” It sounded lame.

Dan didn’t seem to think so. “Write it down,” he repeated as if to himself. “Maybe, yeah. With the little details. Like how I remembered the colour of your shirt at Six Flags.”

“Yeah,” Arin said encouragingly. “If me or Brian or anyone else is in your dream or memory or whatever, we can tell you if you’re remembering it right. And we can tell you the whole story. Put it into context. Make it feel real to you.”

“Yeah? That sounds…that sounds like it could help.” Dan was relaxing against him. Arin took that as a good sign. Ross got up and went to the kitchen, and Arin heard him pouring glasses of water.

Arin kept rubbing Dan’s back. His touch seemed to be making Dan feel better. “If you get another headache like this, or if this one gets any worse, we’ll go back to the hospital, okay?”

“Specialist said headaches are normal. Even chronic ones.”

“It can’t hurt to get you checked out just to make sure.”

“Okay,” Dan said, vaguely. “It doesn’t hurt that much.”

His face told a different story. Arin said, “Do you want me to drive you home?”

“I’m okay here.”

“You sure?”

Ross set two glasses of water in front of them. “You can have my bed. I was going to offer it, but you passed out here.”

“That’s okay, Ross.” Dan sat up slightly and reached for the water. “Thank you. You guys have done enough for me. I didn’t mean to wake you up, or - be a pain in your ass.”

“It’s fine, Danny.” Ross settled himself back down and patted Dan’s arm. “I can sleep in as late as I want. Most of the time I’m just going to bed now anyway.”

“Same,” Arin said. “Not like we punch a time card at work.”

“Are you both going tomorrow? To the office?”

Arin looked at Ross. Ross said, “Yeah, I am. I’m recording with Brian again after lunch.”

“Could I come?”

“You can do whatever you want,” Arin answered. “You’re the co-host of the show, dude. You go where you want. It’s your office too.”

“I can sit with you guys and - maybe join in?”

“Anything you want,” Arin repeated, and Dan made a pleased noise and fell silent.

Ross went into the kitchen again. Arin heard him microwaving something. He appeared in the doorway, a burrito in his hand, and waved it at Arin in a gesture that Arin took to be a question. 

Arin shook his head in response. He finished his water, being as still as he could. He thought Dan had fallen asleep, but suddenly he said, “Headache’s going away.”

“Thank fuck.” 

“I could probably sleep. I think.”

“You want us to get you to bed?”

“’M not gonna kick Ross out of his own bedroom.”

“It’s fine,” Ross waved that off. “I’ll stay out here.”

“It’s so far,” Dan complained, conceding. 

“I’ll carry you,” Arin offered.

“Yeah, and throw your back out.”

“Now you’ve challenged him,” Ross said, amused. “Arin could _throw_ you, dude.”

“Prove it.” Dan smiled against Arin’s shoulder. And then, “Ah! Arin!”

It was awkward to lift Dan from a half-sitting position, but Arin managed it. It made Dan giggle as he was lifted into the air. He clung to Arin’s neck. “Don’t drop me!”

“Not gonna drop you.” Arin redistributed the weight and got his arm beneath Dan’s back. “You think I’d ever let you fall?” 

Dan looked up at him with so much trust that Arin’s heart skipped a beat. “I guess not.”

“Exactly.”

“I won’t fit through the door,” Dan said, laughing now, the blanch of pain gone from his face. But despite his protests, Arin fit sideways through the door into Ross’s bedroom, where the bed was already mussed with the covers thrown back. He placed Dan down gently in the middle and went to straighten up, but Dan didn’t release his hold on Arin’s neck. Arin was pulled down, half on top of Dan, who was looking at him with sleepy-soft eyes.

“Dan,” Arin half whispered, and then Dan kissed him, with stale breath and soft lips and stubble that scraped gently against Arin’s skin.

“Thanks,” Dan whispered when they parted. “You…this is corny as fuck, but …I really can’t believe how wonderful you are.”

“You always get corny as fuck when you’re tired.”

Dan laughed quietly. “Do I? You really didn’t have to come…”

“No big deal.”

“I feel guilty…and Suzy’s probably pissed…”

“She’s not. She’d be pissed if you were suffering and didn’t call.” Arin smoothed his hair. “Don’t you dare feel guilty.”

“Trying my best. I just wanted someone to talk to. I didn’t mean for you to drive halfway across the city. Tell Suze I’m not trying to bogart her man.” 

“She knows. Everything’s okay, Danny.”

“I had fun with Ross. He’s a great guy.”

“He is,” Arin said warmly. He pulled the blanket up around Dan’s chin. Dan looked so cute when he snuggled up into the warmth that he couldn’t help but kiss him on the forehead. “If you have any more nightmares or something, don’t be afraid to call out.”

“You going home?”

“Think so. Ross can drive you to work and I’ll see you then. He’s a good driver too,” Arin added.

“’M not scared. I mean, driving is still a lot. But I can handle it.”

“You can handle anything. Tough as fuckin’ nails, dude.”

Dan smiled at the compliment. His smile turned into a contented yawn and his eyes slid shut. “I hope you can get back to sleep.”

“I can now that I know you’re okay.”

“Thanks, big cat.” Dan was fading fast. It didn’t occur to Arin until Dan said, almost confusedly, “That’s what I call you, right?”

Arin’s eyes went wide. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Good,” Dan said with his eyes still closed. “Good.”

And then he sighed, and his mouth went slack and Arin looked at his face and knew he was asleep.

**

Time began to pass normally again. They fell into a routine. 

Arin stayed at Dan’s place two nights out of every week. Dan drifted from his house, to Ross’s apartment, to Brian’s house, and to Arin’s. His hair had begun to grow out and the scar was only visible if you looked for it. He sang along to his own songs in the car when Arin drove him to work, and the fans couldn’t tell when anything was amiss when he recorded a seven-episode series of Game Grumps with Arin. They’d heard about the accident but not of Dan’s amnesia, which was the way Dan wanted it. Dan was a semi-private person - he liked to keep the struggles of his life to himself rather than have them be fodder for endless gossip. To handle the rumour mill, he’d said that he was just recovering from a concussion, and nobody else in the office had breathed a word.

It was almost like old times. Almost. The tension between Arin and Dan crackled and smouldered like stoked coals, but Dan’s recovery was first and foremost - and nothing ever burst into flame. Arin held himself back. He almost afraid at how _right_ it felt to kiss Dan on the Grump couch or have him in his own goddamn bed - Suzy on his right and Dan on his left, the three of them content with the arrangement. 

Memories trickled back, like tiny rivulets of water coming through a crack in a dam. Dan wrote them out in a notebook and asked Arin to confirm that they were true. Sometimes Arin caught him in the office, looking at his own notes with a creased forehead, mouthing the words out loud. Despite his efforts, nothing seemed to help speed up the process.

They were little memories, mostly. Flashes of faces and events. But they were _his_, and visiting a therapist twice a week helped him cope with the trauma of accepting them. The specialist that had treated Dan saw him again and explained that the tiny flashes would continue until either Dan’s brain suddenly made all the right connections at once - or for the rest of his life. Familiar things would trigger a response in his mind, but wouldn’t fully connect. “It’ll be sort of like having permanent déjà vu,” was how they explained it. 

Arin saw that Dan was afraid - but he also saw the set of his jaw and the resolve in his eyes, and he knew that one way or another, everything would be okay.

It was almost anticlimactic when it finally happened.

They were eating lunch at the office. Out of nowhere, apropos of nothing, Dan made a sudden motion as if someone had just jabbed him with a pin. He said, strangely thick, “Arin.”

“You alright, dude?”

“Yeah, no.” Dan pressed his hands to his forehead. “No, not at all. Arin, I - ”

Arin was beside him faster than he could blink. “Headache again?”

Dan didn’t answer. That was cause for alarm. His silence made Arin’s stomach clench and he croaked, “Dan, hey” and pulled Dan’s hand away from his face.

Arin took one look at Dan’s expression and froze. Dan’s eyes widened and connected with Arin’s.

The moment stretched on for eternity. 

Then Dan said again, “Arin”, like it meant something different this time.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on, Dan? Talk to me.”

“I remember,” Dan said haltingly. “Arin, I remember...everything.”


	8. Chapter Eight

Arin wasn’t sure who had told Brian - Dan himself, or maybe Suzy, or someone else through the grapevine - but he knocked on Arin’s office door and let himself in, grinning in a way Brian rarely grinned.

“Where’s Dan?” he asked, looking around as if Arin had him stowed away in the closet.

“I don’t know.”

Brian’s smile faded. “You don’t know?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say he went home.”

Brian considered this information, absorbing and analyzing quietly as his face remained a mask. Arin, not knowing how much Brian knew or guessed, looked away. He didn’t want Brian’s pity. He had plenty of it on his own.

After telling Arin that he remembered everything, Arin’s instinct was to jump up and whirl Dan around the room. But something gave him pause. Dan hadn’t moved. He was frozen to the spot.

“Dan?” Arin had said uncertainly, seeing colour drain from Dan’s face.

And Dan had given Arin one stricken look and rushed from the room, mumbling something about calling his parents. That much Arin could understand - of course he wanted to let his family know - but there was more to it than that. In that single look, Dan had confirmed everything Arin had been afraid of. He remembered what they’d done, what Arin had confessed, and he was horrified. 

And now he hadn’t returned any of Arin’s texts. 

Brian sat down on the couch. “It’s a lot to process,” he said. “He probably wanted to go somewhere quiet to collect himself.”

“Yeah,” Arin said tiredly, “maybe.” He wiped his face roughly on his sleeve. 

Brian watched him. “Are you alright?” 

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine. It’s great. His memory came back. That’s great.” Arin was aware that he sounded robotic. He couldn’t help it. “Of course he went home. I mean, I wouldn’t make him stay at work.”

“You could call him,” Brian said, softly enough that Arin knew for sure that Brian was aware of the situation. Maybe Dan had told him. Arin didn’t know. 

“I don’t want to bother him,” Arin said, unusually abrupt. He stood up from his chair and didn’t look at Brian as he checked his phone for the hundredth time. He had one new message, but it was from Suzy. She wanted to know when he was coming home. Which was fair, because Arin wasn’t really _doing_ anything at work. Besides moping, which he was better off doing where nobody else could see him, except for Suzy, who somehow didn’t mind Arin at his worst.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Brian asked, his tone perfectly calm. Brian was generally calm, which made him a very relaxing person to discuss things with. Most of the time. Right about now, Arin didn’t want to make a big deal about this. He didn’t want to be a selfish dick and make this about himself. That he was acting like this instead of just being glad for his friend was already making him feel like a pile of shit.

“Talk about what?”

A tiny crease appeared in Brian’s forehead. “Arin - ”

“Think I’m gonna head out,” Arin stretched his face into a casual smile. “Let me know if you hear anything from Dan.”

Brian didn’t pursue it. “I will” was all he said, following Arin’s lead and standing. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but Brian was never one for empty platitudes. He just followed Arin out of his office, gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder, and spied a distraction in the form of someone laughing from the editing bay.

Arin was restless. He spent too long gathering up his things that he didn’t need to bring home. The atmosphere in the office was light and cheerful. Arin had let everyone know what happened. Dan was back, and everybody loved Dan. No doubt everyone was glad for him, and relieved that things around the office would be back to normal soon. 

He left quietly before anyone else could excitedly ask him how he felt. He was sure it was coming.

At home Suzy didn’t press him. They ordered in and ate in front of the TV, Arin nestled in her arms with her chin resting on the top of his head. She knew him well enough to not press the issue. He’d always tell her everything in time.

Arin resolutely did not check his phone until the end of the movie. When he did, and saw that it was past eleven, he couldn’t hide his disappointment. Dan would be in bed by now. And he hadn’t said a word to Arin.

Suzy ran her fingers through his hair. Arin said, “Suze, I’m being selfish.”

“That’s not true.” She scratched his scalp lightly with her nails, like he liked her to do. It made him shiver pleasantly. “You’re the least selfish person I know.”

“I’m upset,” he said. Saying it out loud made him feel worse. “My best friend is going to be okay after almost dying, and I’m upset. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“That’s not fair. You’re happy for him. I know you are.”

Arin nodded reluctantly. 

“You’d hoped he was going to stay with you,” she said softly. “You wanted to talk about what happened between you.”

Arin thought that sounded even more selfish when Suzy said it. “I mean, I get it. I’d want to talk to my mom right away too. I don’t think I’m the most important person in his life. But I thought he would at least text me, or…or something.”

“I don’t blame you. Maybe he was tired.”

“Yeah.” Arin thought about the way Dan’s eyes crinkled up in sleep.

“He didn’t text anyone else, either,” Suzy said reasonably. “At least, nobody we know of. He didn’t say anything to Brian. And Brian’s his best friend after you.”

“No, you’re right. Totally right. I’m taking this all personally, and that’s stupid and selfish.”

She squeezed his arm. “You know I don’t like it when you call yourself names.”

“Sorry, Suze.” He knew better than to challenge that tone. “You’re right. He probably was tired. I wish he didn’t have to be alone while going through this, but if he didn’t want to be alone he would have stayed at the office or asked somebody to come over.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Suzy said, and it really did feel that way with her arms around him and her leg nestled in between his thighs. Arin turned and shuffled until he was facing away from the TV, preferring the feeling of pressing his face against her collarbone. He could hear her heart beating against her warm skin. 

Before they went to bed, Arin stared at his phone while Suzy brushed her teeth. It was nearly midnight now, too late for this, but he couldn’t just go to bed without saying _something_ to Dan. Nothing sounded right. He didn’t want to be flippant, but he didn’t want to make it weird either. In the end he just sent _Call me in the morning_ and then, _Sleep well._

**

After breakfast, Arin’s phone buzzed. He looked at the screen, frantically choked down his massive mouthful of eggs, and picked it up before it could ring twice.

“Hey,” Arin said, trying to keep his cool as Suzy watched from across the table. “How are you doing?”

“Not so bad,” Dan said back. He sounded so casual and unreserved that Arin almost wondered if he’d imagined the look on Dan’s face as he’d rushed from the room. “Had a crazy night.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“Sorry for leaving so fast,” Dan said before Arin could ask him anything else. “I had to call my family. We all talked on Skype for half the night.”

“Yeah, of course, no worries.” Arin deliberated. “Do you want to swing by for a bit?” he asked hopefully.

“I was thinking about going out for lunch.”

“Sure, yeah, that works too.”

“Bring Suze,” Dan said, “and I’ll call Brian, see if he can get away for a bit. If you’re going into work, could you ask around to see if anyone else wants to come?”

That wasn’t exactly what Arin had in mind, but - “Yeah, that sounds great.”

Suzy tilted her head. She could hear Arin’s hollow tone.

“Great!” Dan said, happy as a clam. “And hey, maybe after, I’ll come by the office for a bit. I heard we’re almost out of episodes to air.”

“That’s not - that doesn’t matter. You don’t have to - ”

“I feel fine, don’t worry,” Dan said cheerily. “I don’t mind working. I kinda want to.”

“Okay,” Arin said, easing off. It was only natural that Dan would want to see all of his friends. He was more social than Arin, always had been. “If you’re feeling up to it, then - yeah, I’d love to.”

“I’ll text you, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

“Bye,” Dan sang out, and then Arin was listening to dead air.

“What was that about?” Suzy asked when he set the phone down.

“I don’t know. He wants us all to go out for lunch.”

“Who do you mean by _all_?”

“You, Brian, whoever else at the office wants to come. Ross probably will.”

She nodded, worried. “You don’t seem excited.”

“I am,” Arin protested. “I just - he sounds off.”

“Off how?”

“You know that thing he does when his stomach is bothering him?” Arin asked her. “When he gets that manic kind of smile and pretends like nothing is wrong?”

“Arin, he’s scared.”

“Scared of what?” Arin was horribly sure that he already knew the answer. Dan was afraid to tell him that it had all been a big mistake. That he had been confused, and understandably so. Arin was the one who had laid his heart bare, and without having suffered a traumatic brain injury, there was absolutely no excuse for him.

“Realizing that he’s in love with you and has been for years - not slowly, like it should have happened, but all at once - must be a big shock.”

Arin’s face went hot. “You really think he’s - Suze, you can’t know, he could just be - ”

She sighed, looking more amused than exasperated. 

“Even if he does…still feel the same way as he did,” Arin said. “I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to talk about it. So what, do I just go out and have lunch with him, and then go to the office like it’s just a regular day? Or do I corner him and go ‘Hey Dan, glad you’re all healed up, now let’s talk about how we made out in your bed the other day’?”

She laughed. Arin knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t laughing at him.

“I think he wants to talk,” she said. “No cornering necessary.”

That wasn’t the impression Arin had gotten. “What do you mean?”

“He’s scared to ask you. See, if he asked you to talk in private, it would be obvious what he meant. So instead…” 

Arin was apparently supposed to follow that line of thought. But he didn’t. “It’s not like Dan to play mind games,” he objected.

“He’s not. Don’t you see, Arin? He asked you to be alone with him later. He just didn’t say it outright.”

“At the office, you mean.”

She nodded. 

Arin thought he understood. He wondered if it was true. It would give them the chance to talk, but it was also an easy cover in case things went south. “So what do I do?”

She shrugged like it was easy. “Tell him how you feel. You’re good at that.”

“He knows how I feel,” Arin protested. “He knows, and it freaks him out, and I don’t want to push him.”

“You don‘t have to. He loves you, baby. He’s nervous, but you’re going to help him, the way you’ve helped him through the rest of this. Show him there’s nothing to be scared of.” She smiled and brushed his hair back from his face. “Let’s go for lunch, have a good time, celebrate the good news. When you’re both ready, just be honest with him. That’s all you have to do.”

“I can try.”

“You can do better than that,” Suzy countered, because she never let Arin off the hook that easy. 

For the millionth time Arin reflected on how lucky he was to have her in his life. 

“I will,” Arin amended, and meant it. 

Once he’d made the decision in his head, it seemed a lot less frightening. Everything fell into place.

Because no matter what Dan did with the information - no matter what the outcome was - their friendship would survive. And that was enough. It was better to get it out now. 

After all, disappointment was better than regret. 

In his darkest hour, when he thought Dan might be dying, Arin had been wracked with guilt over not being able to say all the things he should have said. He’d always wanted to work out his feelings and address the tension that had been simmering for years - but he’d thought that there was always tomorrow, next week, next year.

Arin should have known a long time ago not to take anybody in his life for granted.

**

When the door of the new Grump room closed behind him, Arin was alone with Dan for the first time since his memory had come back. 

Dan had arrayed himself on his end of the couch, a cup of hot tea on the table beside him and his phone resting beside it. He had a smile for Arin like he always did, but there was something stiff about it, too.

Arin recognized his body language and knew that Suzy was right. Dan was scared. He was terrified. He had it much harder than Arin, who had a lifetime to figure out his own sexuality with a strong support base in the form of his wife and family. 

And yet, he was here. He wanted to be here. He could be anywhere - with his family, with any of his other friends, Arin would have given him all the time off he needed and more and he knew it - but he was here with Arin. 

That was a romantic gesture in its own way, and Arin didn’t take it lightly. 

Arin didn’t want to start with something tense. He didn’t leave room for Dan to withdraw by asking him if he wanted to talk, or putting him on the spot. Instead, he looked at Dan and remembered how much it had hurt in those terrible hours to think that Dan might not make it - that he would never sit here in this room with Arin again, that Arin wouldn’t get to see him almost every day. Picturing it again was torture. It would be like ripping Arin’s life in half. He couldn’t live without Dan - and he wouldn’t have been able to stand it if Dan had died without knowing just how much Arin cared.

Honesty came easy after that.

“I’m so fucking happy for you,” Arin told him, and the words were bare but his meaning was heartfelt. “I’m so glad you’re here again.”

“I didn’t go very far.” Dan liked to turn everything into a joke when he was nervous.

“You know what I mean.” Arin sat next to him on the couch. Usually Dan would be on his phone while Arin got everything set up, or even as they chatted beforehand. But he made no move to grab it. Arin had Dan’s full attention and didn’t intend to back down. “You almost didn’t make it. We all thought…I thought…for a little while, that you would never wake up at all. And then when you did…”

“You stayed with me,” Dan said quietly. “Even when I thought you were just a stranger.”

“Of course I stayed with you.” Arin waited until Dan’s eyes were on his. “I love you.”

They’d said it half a million times, but Dan had never visibly swallowed at the words. His pupils were wide and dark. He looked at Arin silently and it took him longer than usual to say, “I love you too, Arin.”

It hit Arin just as hard. Out of that half million, how many times had Dan said that to him without a laugh, a clap on the shoulder? Or a modifier - _I love you, dude_ or _Love you, man_, sweet but decidedly friendly?

Arin shifted closer on the couch. Dan didn’t back away. They were close enough that Arin could reach up and smooth his hand over Dan’s hair. The coarse curls tickled his palm, and Dan closed his eyes halfway like a cat. Arin remembered the smell of argan oil in the morning from Dan’s hair in his face all night.

“I don’t think you’ll ever know how scared I was,” Arin told him. “Getting that call and hearing the words _intensive care unit_…I thought it had to be a nightmare.”

Dan looked at his lap. “I scared a lot of people.”

“Well fuck, don’t look guilty, you didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I know,” Dan said with a catch to his voice. “It just…it feels crazy, you know? I remember it all now but it hit me all over again. How close it was. If they hadn’t found me when they did - or if the ditch was deeper, or if it was up in the hills somewhere…”

Arin had no words. He pressed his hand into Dan’s and squeezed.

“It made me think of that time I got really sick, years ago. How the worst part of dying isn’t your own suffering at all. I wasn’t ready then and I’m not fucking ready now. It was almost easier, not knowing who my family was at first. It didn’t even register that I’d almost died. It didn’t mean anything. Like it had happened to a stranger. All these people were telling me how lucky I was, but - I just woke up there, you know? I didn’t know the person who had been in the car when it flipped. I didn’t care about him anymore than anyone else. But now - ” He groaned. “Am I even making sense?”

“I think I know what you mean,” Arin said. “I can’t imagine what it must be like for you now. You had to relive it all over again.”

“It felt so weird. Everyone else had - well, not gotten over it, but - to them it’s in the past. And then there’s all the stuff that happened after I woke up - like fresh memories just planted in my head out of nowhere…”

When he trailed off Arin knew exactly what he was thinking about. When he started looking anxious again, Arin stepped in smoothly. “I hope having me there made it suck a little bit less.”

Dan relaxed again. “So many people came to see me,” he said, like he still couldn’t believe it. “I didn’t know them but they all came. And you. You were always there. Out of all of them, I felt I knew you right away.” 

“Some part of you remembered me being there while you were out.”

“The whole time,” Dan laughed, sounding impressed like Arin had done something crazy. “You must have been bored out of your mind in that place.”

“I didn’t have time to be bored. I was too busy being scared as hell.”

Dan’s eyes flashed with fresh guilt. “Arin,” he said, a gentle protest.

“I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop worrying that you’d never be the same again, even after you woke up. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. You being unable to walk, or…never even getting your memory back at all. It was so fucking hard to think about all of our memories together just being gone forever. Everything we’ve done and how far we’ve come…I mean, it was enough that you were alive. Don’t get me wrong. I was thankful for that. You seemed like yourself…in most ways, at least.”

“I was still the same person,” Dan said so quietly Arin barely caught it. But catch it he did, and was sharp enough to read between the lines.

It was Arin’s turn to swallow. Nerves made him feel light and tingly all over. Dan had broached the subject as bravely as he would ever dare, and it was Arin’s turn.

“My feelings for you never changed,” Arin told him. “If anything, I realized all over again just how important you are to me. How much I care about you. And how much I…”

His strength suddenly wavered and he trailed off.

“Arin,” Dan said, softly. It wasn’t the beginning of a sentence. Just his name - just like that. It was enough. Dan could read between the lines, too. And it gave Arin the courage he needed to go on.

“I don’t regret anything that happened between us,” Arin said, and it came out clear and strong. “I only wish it had happened sooner. Without you being confused about anything.”

“I don’t think I was confused,” Dan admitted, and Arin had to strain to hear him. 

“No?”

“I think everything that I was feeling was there all along.”

“You _think_?” Arin pressed.

Dan took a breath. “No. I know. Arin, I - I wanted to tell you, I just didn’t know how. I didn’t even know how to admit it to myself.”

The room suddenly felt very warm. Nothing else existed in that moment except Dan - Dan’s ruggedly handsome face, his warm eyes, his strong jaw and gentle mouth. He was looking at Arin with mingled apprehension and anticipation. When his eyes dropped to Arin’s mouth, Dan’s throat worked again.

He still wouldn’t be brave enough to say it, not until Arin did. So Arin said, “I’d really like to kiss you again.”

Dan’s chin tilted up, his eyes wide, half-scared and half-hopeful. It was as good of an answer as Arin was going to get. Arin felt the ground tilt beneath his feet. For a moment he was overcome by a rush of vertigo, like he was standing on the edge of the world. He reached out for Dan’s hand, to anchor him.

And when Dan squeezed back, Arin closed the distance and kissed him.

It was almost tentative, even though it wasn’t their first time. Arin was afraid of scaring him off, so he kept it short, pulling back to be able to see Dan’s face and make sure he was still on board with this.

“This is okay?” Arin asked, almost holding his breath. 

And when Dan’s face broke out into a smile something loosened in Arin’s stomach. 

“More than okay,” he breathed, and kissed Arin again. Arin could feel him smiling into the kiss, and found himself smiling back. When they broke the kiss he pressed his forehead to Dan’s and the two of them just stayed there, holding the moment by the stem. It was wonderful and terrifying and exhilarating all at once, but it was still just _them_, the way they’d always been. 

“Are we still gonna do an episode?” Dan murmured, the words puffing against Arin’s mouth.

“Don’t think so,” Arin breathed. “Think I just want to stay here with you for a while.”

“Yeah,” Dan whispered back, “yeah, that sounds good.”

**

At Arin’s insistence, Dan took a full week off of work. His doctor and the specialist advised him to get plenty of both rest and exercise, and Arin called their old trainer to arrange morning workouts at Arin’s house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Arin still went into the office every day, and with help from Ross, a new cache of episodes was recorded and edited in no time. Every day, at noon, Arin would call Dan to check in, and every other day, he came to stay the night. 

Never in a thousand years would Arin have guessed that it would all be so easy. The arrangement felt natural. It was just them, just Arin and Dan, hanging out like they always did, except now Arin didn’t have to check himself whenever his touch lingered. He didn’t have to remember not to stare, or make a joke when their banter veered into flirting. 

Dan’s hair was still wet from the shower when Arin let himself in after dinner. He was on the couch, in a bathrobe, eating crackers and watching some boring NFL pre-game show where two serious-looking old men talked at length about the upcoming match. Arin couldn’t understand a word of it, but he was excited anyway. The best part of watching football with Dan was getting him riled up by making the dumbest observations possible. 

Well, maybe that was the second best part. The best part was seeing how he could distract Dan from the game.

Dan lit up when he saw Arin and patted the couch next to him. “You’re just in time,” he said with a grin. “Game’s about to start.”

“Are the Giants playing?” Arin asked, playing dumb even though he knew full well they were. Dan had been talking about it for the last three days.

Dan looked exasperated, which was decidedly adorable. “Yes, Arin.”

“Well, how was I supposed to know? You’re not even wearing your jersey.”

“In fairness, I’m not wearing anything.” 

Arin raised an eyebrow, looking at Dan’s bathrobe with renewed interest, and Dan actually blushed. “I just got out of the shower, okay.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining.”

The thought of Dan in the shower and Dan naked beneath the robe was enough to tide Arin over during the endless football commentary. And when they cut to commercial, Arin didn’t waste any time. He curved his arm around Dan’s shoulders and drew him in, kissing him until Dan had to gasp for air.

“You taste like Cheez-Its,” Arin told him, and Dan laughed.

“I can get up and brush my teeth.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Arin said, hooking his fingers into one of the belt loops on Dan’s robe. He tugged, and Dan came willingly, draping himself against Arin’s chest. Arin pressed his lips to Dan’s ear and felt him shiver.

“Arin,” Dan gasped when he felt the gentle scrape of Arin’s teeth on his earlobe. “_Oh._”

Arin needed no further prompting. He kissed his way down Dan’s pale neck, enjoying the way Dan leaned into him. Dan skin was still warm and soft from the shower and Arin could smell his coconut oil conditioner. A moan reverberated through Dan’s throat.

They’d done this a half-dozen times now, just kissing and exploring with their mouths and hands, always clothed. Dan had been reserved at first but grew bolder every time. Now his hand was on Arin’s thigh, moving back and forth tentatively and squeezing every time Arin found a new especially sensitive place on his neck to tease with his tongue. 

It seemed that Dan was over sensitive in a half a hundred places. And Arin loved finding them. The nape of his neck, the freckle on his shoulder. Just above the scar on his eyebrow, and just beneath where the collar of his shirt normally rested. That was Arin’s favourite so far.

As if following Arin’s train of thought, Dan tilted his head invitingly. Arin pulled the robe to the side, exposing the jut of his shoulder. Arin kissed him there, feather-light, and then bit down just as gently.

“Oh fuck,” Dan said, and his hand flew out to grasp Arin’s shoulder. “Oh fuck, _Arin._”

There was a red mark on Dan’s skin. He bruised so easily. Arin kissed it, feeling his heart beat faster at the idea of leaving marks all over where nobody would ever see them. Nobody but Arin. Dan moaned quietly and the hand on Arin’s thigh crept upward. 

Dan was saying something. He had to repeat it twice. Arin looked at him, trying to focus while all the blood in his body rushed happily down south. “What?”

Dan was breathless, his lips pink and kiss-swollen. “I said, do you maybe want to take this upstairs?” 

Arin’s cock twitched in his jeans. “Holy shit,” he said, and then, because he was an absolute fucking idiot, “The game - ”

“Fuck football,” Dan said for the first and probably the last time in his life, and boldly put his hand over the outline of Arin’s cock in his jeans and squeezed lightly. Arin made a choked noise, or maybe it was a plea, and he followed obediently when Dan got up and led the way. 

The air was electric. Arin could hardly breathe. Once in his room, Dan pushed Arin against the wall with surprising strength and kissed him harder than he’d ever been kissed before.

“Sometimes I can’t believe this is real,” he said into Arin’s neck. “I can’t believe how easy this is.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just _us_,” Dan said. “Nothing’s changed. We’re just - ourselves.”

“A few things have changed.” Arin’s hands found Dan’s hips and pressed their lower bodies together.

“As if I haven’t given you a boner before,” Dan giggled, but when he saw Arin’s eyes he sucked in a breath. 

Suddenly it was Arin in control. He pushed Dan backward, guiding him, until his legs hit the bed. As much as he wanted to tumble Dan down into the nest of blankets and pin him there like he’d pinned Arin to the wall, Arin didn’t want to risk hurting him. 

Instead he laid Dan back gently, with an arm behind his head to make sure he landed softly. He bent to kiss near the healing scar and Dan smiled up at him fondly.

“Not gonna break,” he told Arin. “Stop worrying and come here.”

He lifted his arms, gesturing. Arin straddled his narrow hips and settled there.

Suddenly it hit him all over again. He was in Dan’s bed, on top of him. Dan was looking up at him, his face open and trusting. 

“Fuck,” Arin said out loud. He didn’t even know where to begin. His gaze traveled down. Dan’s robe had fallen open slightly and there was a deep V of exposed skin almost to his navel. Arin trailed his fingers through Dan’s sparse chest hair and slipped his hand inside Dan’s robe. He stroked Dan’s chest, his fingers finding and tweaking a nipple, which hardened in about half a second. Dan moaned, his head falling back in pleasure. Arin liked that reaction so much that he teased the other nipple too, rolling the pad of his thumb in a circle around it until Dan actually whimpered.

“_Arin_,” he gasped. “Fucking - jesus.” His back bowed and his hips arced up off the bed. 

“I love how sensitive you are,” Arin told him. “Fuck, look at you. I love how easy it is to make you squirm.”

“Who are you calling easy?” Dan said breathlessly. He was fucking gorgeous, his damp hair a mess, his chest heaving. Arin could see the outline of his cock straining against the robe.

Dan gasped again when Arin‘s hand started to trail down his stomach with an obvious goal in mind. The fabric belt that tied Dan‘s robe closed would come undone with one quick pull.

“Wait,” Dan said when Arin went for it.

Arin stopped immediately and looked at Dan. “Too much?”

Dan shook his head. “You first,” he said, almost shyly. 

Arin didn‘t mind that at all. His clothes were quickly becoming uncomfortable. His cock was shoved up against the zipper of his jeans, bordering on painful, and his T-shirt was damp with sweat. 

Dan had seen him nearly naked before - they’d showered side-by-side after shows, shared hotel rooms and slept over at each other’s houses. But when Arin pulled his shirt over his head, Dan’s eyes kindled like he was seeing Arin for the very first time.

“Oh, wow,” he murmured, biting his lip. His eyes got even bigger when Arin ungracefully wriggled his jeans down his hips and kicked them free somewhere on the floor behind him. And then he caught sight of Arin’s underwear, which was tight and did not leave anything to the imagination. Dan could clearly see the full outline of Arin’s dick and the wet spot where he’d soaked through the fabric.

Their eyes met. Dan’s pupils darkened, his lips parting.

Arin bent to kiss him again. Dan’s hands came up to clutch at Arin’s shoulders, then smoothed down his back. He couldn’t seem to stop stroking Arin’s skin. Arin groaned as Dan dared to cup his ass, squeezing through the thin fabric stretched taut. 

“You should take these off too,” he whispered into Arin’s ear when Arin buried his face in the side of Dan’s neck.

“Yeah?” Arin drew back slowly. He watched Dan’s face as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of his briefs. With his other hand, he caressed himself through the fabric. 

And Dan looked right back at him and said, “Please, Arin.”

It was probably the hottest fucking thing Arin had ever heard. He tugged down his underwear and his cock sprung free, hard and eager. It was almost aching from being confined for so long, and Arin sighed as he took himself in hand and stroked to relieve some of the pressure.

“Oh my God,” Dan said, staring. “That’s…oh, jesus, yeah. Okay, hi, we’re doing this.”

“Think it’s your turn,” Arin said, his heart pounding in his ears. “Let me?”

“Yeah,” Dan breathed. “Yeah, okay.”

Arin untied Dan’s robe with one pull and slowly drew the thick fabric away from his body. He had the sudden absurd thought that it was like opening a Christmas gift. Beneath the robe, Dan was completely naked, and just as hard as Arin. 

There was so much to look at. Arin couldn’t even decide where to stare. Against the white robe, Dan’s pale skin glowed, peachy-golden. The trail of hair from his navel darkened and thickened around the base of his cock. 

Arin’s hands started at Dan’s shoulders and trailed down, feeling the curves and contours of his body. Dan was delicate and masculine all at once, not as angular as his silhouette would suggest. His collarbones and ribs and hips all stuck out sharply, but the swell of his hips was soft and kissable. And his cock was curving up into the air, thick but graceful, flushed darker than the rest of him. 

Arin didn‘t even think about it. He just reached out and wrapped his hand around it. A dizzying rush flooding through his veins. He’d never touched anyone else’s dick. It was heavy in his hand, hot on his sensitive palm, and it pulsed when Arin squeezed it.

“Yes,” Dan moaned, his head tipping back. “God, Arin, yes, touch me.”

Arin gave an experimental stroke, getting used to the feeling. There was enough wetness for Arin to get some good friction going, and once he’d gotten used to the odd angle it felt as natural as doing it to himself. Dan’s noises were enough to drive him half out of his mind. He moaned and sighed and pushed himself up into Arin’s hand, the muscles in his thighs flexing. 

“This is okay?” Arin asked, because he had to. 

“Jesus fuck, Arin, yes, don’t you dare stop.”

“Not gonna stop. But could I, uh.” _Just say it._ “Can I use my mouth on you instead?”

“Arin,” Dan said levelly. “How the fuck would I say no to that?”

“I don’t know,” Arin admitted. “I don’t know anything right now except that I really, really want to suck your dick.”

Dan’s face was pink. “Please,” he managed. “Please, oh my god, Arin.”

“Okay,” Arin said, and took a breath. “Okay.”

He’d thought about doing this more often than he cared to admit. He liked that Dan was on his back. It was comfortable and easy to slide down and lay beside Dan’s thighs, his head propped up on his arm as he got up close and personal with Dan’s cock. 

Dan seemed even bigger from here. He smelled faintly musky-sweet, so tempting that Arin’s mouth started to water. He could probably spend forever contemplating what to do first, so Arin decided to just wing it.

The dense velvety texture against his lips ignited something in Arin’s stomach. It was so easy to just open his mouth and slide his lips over the head. It felt like a lot already, like his mouth was full. But then Dan cried out sharply and grabbed the back of Arin’s head, and Arin pushed himself forward just to hear that reaction again. 

It was different than doing it to a girl. Obviously Arin knew it would be. But he didn’t know it would be like this, or that he’d like it so much. He felt less in control with his tongue weighed down and his lips stretched open, but Arin thought he liked it that way. The act seemed more submissive. Arin knew enough to move his head and his tongue, and he could handle doing that just fine. And it was enough for Dan, who rewarded Arin’s efforts with a litany of moans that rose in pitch as Arin did his best to pleasure him.

“Fuck,” Dan moaned, writhing. “Fuck, not gonna last, not when you look so good - oh, my god yes do that again, _yes_, Arin - _Arin._”

Arin felt Dan’s eyes on him. And fuck, he loved hearing Dan say his name like that. He worked harder, using his hand to stroke what he couldn’t fit in his mouth and trying all the things that he knew he liked when this was done to him. 

“Arin,” Dan whimpered, this time with a note of warning.

Arin realized what was about to happen. He had exactly one second of fear followed by a rush of smug satisfaction that he was able to bring Dan to the edge. He sucked harder, ramping up the speed, feeling the friction against his lips as Dan’s cock slid in and out of his mouth. Dan gave one keening cry and suddenly spilled over Arin’s tongue. Arin kept moving, gently squeezing the base, and Christ he could feel him coming, could feel his shaft pulsing as it filled Arin’s mouth.

It wasn’t bad at all, Arin decided. Easy to swallow. It left a salty aftertaste in the back of his throat, but it wasn’t unpleasant. And now Dan was looking down at him like he hung the fucking moon, which the hottest part of all.

“Fuck,” Dan said thickly. “You really did that. Oh, fuck, Arin, I love you.”

Arin laughed and pressed one last kiss to his softening cock. He hauled himself back up to rest his head on the pillow. “So it’s that easy to win your heart?”

“Mmm,” Dan sighed, looking like a rag doll sprawled over the sheets. “You already had. But how did you get so good at that?”

“Tons of practice with a lot of guys.”

Dan laughed, then paused. “Was there another guy?”

“Would you be jealous?”

“Hell yeah I’d be jealous.”

“Even if it was somebody from my bucket list?”

“Only Jason Momoa gets a pass,” Dan said, “because honestly, I’d blow him too.”

Arin laughed. “Get in fucking line. But no, I’ve never done that before. Uh, not with a real dick at least.”

Dan’s eyebrows rose, impressed. “Damn, Suze, you two are wild.”

“So was that the best beej you ever had?”

“Definite in the top twenty,” Dan said dreamily. His lips twitched when Arin huffed. “Just kidding, big cat. You’re definitely in like, third or fourth place.”

“I’ll show _you_ fuckin’ third or fourth place.”

“What does that even mean?” Dan giggled sleepily. He still hadn’t moved.

“Dunno,” Arin said like an idiot, but it was hard to talk when he was touching his dick. He still had to come and Dan seemed down for the count. Arin was totally okay with jerking himself off. More than okay. He had one hell of a view. 

He was so worked up he felt like he might die if he didn’t come soon. But when he started pumping himself in earnest, Dan raised his head dazedly and said, “Wait.”

“Fuck,” Arin said, but obeyed. “Do you, uh - ”

“Want to help?” Dan supplied. He looked nervous. “Yeah. I mean, if it’s okay.”

“Are you seriously asking if it’s okay to touch my dick after I just swallowed your jizz?”

Dan giggled. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh while I’m doing it,” he said, and shuffled down the bed.

“Wait,” Arin said stupidly as Dan nudged himself between Arin’s legs, staring at his dick with a look of intense concentration like it was a particularly challenging puzzle. He’d thought that Dan had just been volunteering to give him a hand job. “You’re really going to - ”

Dan seemed pleased to see Arin‘s dumbstruck face. “You thought I wouldn’t return the favour?” 

Arin couldn’t respond. He could barely even breathe. Dan’s hair fell into his face when he bent his head and Arin reached down to smooth it back. He made a loose ponytail at the crown of Dan’s head. When Dan kissed the sticky-wet tip, Arin’s fist tightened and Dan let out a moan that reverberated through Arin’s entire body.

“Come on,” Arin pleaded, every nerve in his body igniting into flame. He could feel Dan‘s hot breath on his cock. “Danny…”

“Didn’t think I’d get you to beg so easily,” Dan said, and his eyes flashed up at Arin as he took the head of his cock into his mouth.

“Oh fuck,” Arin blurted. He was going to come in about five seconds flat and it was going to be embarrassing. He sucked air through his nose and tried not to yank Dan’s head down or buck up into his mouth. It was all he could do to just hold on.

It was a near thing. Dan seemed to gain confidence from Arin’s reaction. He clearly had no clue how to approach the task at hand, but it didn’t matter. He was largely imitating Arin, moving his head and using his tongue, clumsy but eager. And it was good enough - more than good enough. If anything it made it hotter to see Dan trying so hard and enjoying himself in the process. 

And as fucking hot as it was to see him looking up at Arin, it was even hotter when his eyes fluttered shut and Dan lost himself in what he was doing.

Arin remembered just in time to make a strangled noise of warning. Dan tensed, but didn’t pull away. Arin looked down in disbelief just as his orgasm slammed through him.

Dan grimaced a little when he swallowed. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and blinked dazedly. But when he saw Arin’s face, he lit up. “That was good?” he asked hopefully. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Arin grabbed his shoulder. “Get up here, you fuck. That was incredible.”

“Oh,” Dan said, and crawled back up to lay at Arin’s side. “Good. I wanted to be at least half as good as you were.”

The thought of Dan being so focused on making it good for Arin was fucking intoxicating. When Arin kissed him, he could taste himself. “I think you were better.”

“I didn’t think I’d like it that much,” Dan admitted. “It seemed like it would be so much more of - well, not of an ordeal, but - you know. It was a lot scarier to think about.”

“You thought about it a lot?”

Dan nodded, suddenly shy again. “Kinda hard not to think about it,” he said, with his eyes on Arin’s mouth. “And now I can’t wait to do it again.”

“Jesus,” Arin said, and Dan just laughed and kissed him.

“I love you,” Arin said against Dan’s mouth. “I love you so much and I can’t wait to do this again too.” 

Dan’s hand found its way into Arin’s. “We get to do this whenever we want,” he said disbelievingly. 

“I mean, we should try to keep it in our pants at work, but yeah, I’m down to fuck whenever.”

Dan cracked up. He laughed until he was gasping for air. Arin felt stupid and lightheaded and giddy, and he joined in.

Eventually they snuggled down into the blankets together. Arin was gross and sweaty, his hair sticking to his neck, but Dan didn’t seem to mind. Dan’s hair had dried all stupid with pieces sticking straight up, half of it as frizzy as a cloud and half in still-damp ringlets. They grinned disbelievingly at each other as they caught their breath, both succumbing to the pleasant numbness of post-sex exhaustion.

Just when Arin was about to fall asleep, Dan’s phone lit up from the nightstand and buzzed about thirty times in rapid succession. Dan groaned out loud and rolled away from Arin to grope for it. He typed out a quick reply before turning the phone off and chucking it back where it came from.

“Who was that?” Arin murmured sleepily.

“Adam and Joe.”

“What did they want?”

“Giants won. S’posed to celebrate with them. Told them I was with you.”

“They won?” Arin roused himself and stared as Dan snuggled back into his chest. “Dude, and you missed the whole game!”

“Mmm.”

“You don’t care?”

Dan reared his head away from Arin’s chest and kissed him. “Think I’ll get over it eventually, big cat.”

“Yeah?”

Under the covers, Dan’s hand roamed from Arin’s hip to his ass. “Mm, actually, maybe you’ll have to make it up to me.”

“I can think of a few ways to do that.”

They took some time getting comfortable again. They found a sweet spot, with Arin as the little spoon and Dan’s leg nudged between Arin’s thighs. 

“I shouldn’t have let myself believe that it could never be as simple as just telling you how I feel,” Dan whispered into Arin’s neck. “I can’t believe we could have been doing this for years.”

“I was scared too. Seems too good to be true. I mean, what kind of karma did I rack up in my past life to end up here? I get the hottest girl in the world _and_ Danny Sexbang?”

“I still don’t know how I deserve this life either,” Dan admitted, and Arin was sure he was blushing. “I still can’t believe this is real.”

“Whatever it was,” Arin said softly, “at least we got here in the end.”

Dan kissed the nape of his neck just before he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
